Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We have an eight-year-old daughter. I really would like to get married now but my man is not saying anything. I am not sure if I should bring this up or wait some more.
MOM replies: The reason why he is not proposing is you.
You are a done deal. I wish I had more information on you and how you live your life. You cannot make him want to get married to you.
Go out there and live your life. Meet people. If you are co-habiting with him, move out. Have you ever heard of: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You are that cow that is providing him with free milk.
Boitumelo replies: It's been a decade already in this vat-en-sit that you don't like anymore.
If you don't say anything further, then don't complain after another decade.
Your quietness might be giving him the impression that you are okay with that. Even if he does not want to get married, at least you should know and be able to make up your mind to either settle for that or to continue to make your desire to get married be fulfilled.
Question: I am 30 and engaged to be married. My fiancé tells me that once we are married, I must stop wearing pants. He says it's against his Zulu culture.
Boitumelo replies: This is how control and abuse start, with insignificant controlling demands that gives you no choice but when you choose to ignore or go against them you are made to feel wrong and guilty.
Always be weary of people who make demands on your life but totally disregarding how that would make you feel.
Be aware of this and address it now because there will be more things he comes up with to control you and the relationship.
MOM replies: Please tell me you are joking! Do you know that there were no pants in the Zulu kingdom? Men wore amabheshu.
Ibheshu is the skin of a cow worn like a skirt by a man to cover his buttocks. Isinene (an apron) is worn at the front to cover his private parts. Now is a good time to tell your man to be just as cultural by wearing the correct Zulu attire for a man. You are about to marry a control freak.
- Tshenkeng is a qualified clinical psychologist. E-mail: tumi.tshenkeng@gmail.com
- Mahlobo is a seduction expert, relationship coach and author. E-mail: mandisaomahlobo@gmail.com
Stop providing your boyfriend with 'free milk'
Question: I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We have an eight-year-old daughter. I really would like to get married now but my man is not saying anything. I am not sure if I should bring this up or wait some more.
MOM replies: The reason why he is not proposing is you.
You are a done deal. I wish I had more information on you and how you live your life. You cannot make him want to get married to you.
Go out there and live your life. Meet people. If you are co-habiting with him, move out. Have you ever heard of: why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You are that cow that is providing him with free milk.
Boitumelo replies: It's been a decade already in this vat-en-sit that you don't like anymore.
If you don't say anything further, then don't complain after another decade.
Your quietness might be giving him the impression that you are okay with that. Even if he does not want to get married, at least you should know and be able to make up your mind to either settle for that or to continue to make your desire to get married be fulfilled.
Question: I am 30 and engaged to be married. My fiancé tells me that once we are married, I must stop wearing pants. He says it's against his Zulu culture.
Boitumelo replies: This is how control and abuse start, with insignificant controlling demands that gives you no choice but when you choose to ignore or go against them you are made to feel wrong and guilty.
Always be weary of people who make demands on your life but totally disregarding how that would make you feel.
Be aware of this and address it now because there will be more things he comes up with to control you and the relationship.
MOM replies: Please tell me you are joking! Do you know that there were no pants in the Zulu kingdom? Men wore amabheshu.
Ibheshu is the skin of a cow worn like a skirt by a man to cover his buttocks. Isinene (an apron) is worn at the front to cover his private parts. Now is a good time to tell your man to be just as cultural by wearing the correct Zulu attire for a man. You are about to marry a control freak.
- Tshenkeng is a qualified clinical psychologist. E-mail: tumi.tshenkeng@gmail.com
- Mahlobo is a seduction expert, relationship coach and author. E-mail: mandisaomahlobo@gmail.com
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