×

We've got news for you.

Register on SowetanLIVE at no cost to receive newsletters, read exclusive articles & more.
Register now

When silence is not so golden

Are you familiar with the scene from the movieWhy Did I Get Married Too, where the over the top character of Angela, played by Tasha Smith, is alerted by her neighbour about the loud sexual noises coming from her bedroom window every day?

While not everyone will charge in with a gun like Angela did, when it comes to the noises we make in the bedroom, could there be such a thing as "simply too much"?

Does the opposite also ring true; could being as quiet as a church mouse also spell a major turn-off? Where do we draw the line?

While it is all a matter of preference, we solicited the help of sex expert Norah Raseleka, a qualified sexologist, and asked her to define the acceptable noise decibels that should emanate from the bedroom.

Raseleka starts off by explaining why people make noise during sex in the first place.

"Natural sex noises are those that are beyond one's control. It is an acknowledgement of pleasure and a nod of approval to your partner. The problem comes when some people want to mimic what they think is acceptable or what they think their partner wants to hear, instead of just being themselves and savouring the moment," she says.

What is too much noise?

Raseleka says it all goes back to one thing - porn

"Porn has really created a warped sense of reality when it comes to sex. The 'acceptable' size of manhood is based on what [is seen from] the actors employed in porn flicks, and unfortunately, so is the amount of noise women think they should make. Most women tend to forget that the women in porn are purely acting, and very few actually enjoy the sex, but are thinking about nailing the scene and getting their pay cheque when the director finally says 'cut'," she says.

Raseleka also gives tips on when to know you are being too loud:

When he has to put his hand over your mouth and tells you to keep it down, you are being too loud.

When the neighbours give you the glare in the morning that say 'you kept us up!'

When the police charge in because someone called them thinking you are being murdered.

When it sounds fake. Most of the time your noises wouldn't even correspond with what the guy is doing. He could be pausing for a second, and you would still be going on.

 When it does not add up. When your gestures and facial expressions do not correspond with the loud noises coming out of your mouth.

Raseleka points to a few interesting tidbits one should keep in mind:

I've done extensive work with sex workers and 90% of them agree that they make too much noise when they want to get it over and done with, because some men are turned on by noise.

Contrary to popular belief, men can tell when you are faking it. Some men believe that the louder a woman is, the more fake she is being, and that a woman who is moaning quietly is really feeling the experience.

Some women scream louder to make men who are not so well endowed feel better about themselves.

Some women scream from pain. So if she is too loud, stop and evaluate what you are doing wrong.

When is silence not golden?

Raseleka says as much as there is such a thing as too much noise, there is also concern when one is being too silent.

"Everyone likes feedback during sex, so it can completely kill the mood if the partner you are engaged in a sexual act with is completely mum," she says.

"It may come from being conservative, as some people deem sexual noises vulgar. But this is where you compensate with facial expressions and certain gestures that show that you are enjoying the moment."

Raseleka says this is how you can tell when you are being too quiet:

When your partner has to ask you if you are still awake.

When the only thing that can be heard in the room is the spring of the bed.

When your partner's voice is the only one that can be heard in the room.

When your partner has to ask you if you reached orgasm.

Think being quiet is cool? Raseleka says think again.

"Remember, some people have actually died during sex, so speak up and show that you have a pulse!"