IS SETTLING down at a young age motivated by blind love or just a brave leap of faith? Could it be the right thing to wait like our elders advise or are young people too immature to know any better?
These two love stories, scrutinised by relationship expert, seduction specialist and founder of Perfect Gal, Mandisa O Mahlobo, demonstrate some of the lessons of the young in love.
Lerato Stevens's dream of a happy family only lasted seven months.
After a 10-month relationship, Stevens, 20, of Cape Town got married in August last year to the 26-year-old father of her nine-month-old baby. Now they are going through a divorce.
She said that when they decided to commit to one another it was mainly for convenience.
"We both decided it was best to get married. He had three other kids that he had no relationship with and wanted to change. I grew up without a father, so I did not want my child to go through the same thing," she said.
Stevens said she could not chase after a man and thus did not do so when her husband wanted to leave.
Stevens said they lived with her mother who moved from Johannesburg to help with the baby at their Craven by home. Her husband moved out after a few months.
One of the lessons she took from her experience is that love can be lost.
"There was love [between us] but I learnt that it is possible for it to disappear. It has not turned to hate, it's just that now I cannot imagine that I once loved him," Stevens said.
- Mahlobo's advice: "Her marriage was [entered into] for the wrong reasons. She is not saying she was in love and that is the first contribution to the collapse of her marriage. Secondly, her husband seems to be commitment-phobic. He keeps running away, so this time as well, he wanted to leave.
"These days young people think marriage is necessary when there is a child. Why not get married because you love each other and then consider children later."
Newly weds Lesego and Thando Vilakazi, aged 22 and 24 cannot imagine themselves being with other people.
The couple tied the knot in May and are expecting their first child.
The Vilakazis believe that to make a success of their union, they have to remember where they come from.
"To make this work we have to always remember where it all began and ensure that our relationship is between just the two of us."
The high school sweethearts, who have known each other for nine years but dated for three, said that marriage is simply a better version of a relationship.
"It's really not as crazy as people think it is. Once you've found the person you want to be with it's really effortless. It is not too different from before, it's just a whole lot better."
Their biggest fear is having someone come between them.
The young couple spends most of their time in each other's company as they also run an office automation company in Soweto together.
"A happy marriage is when the only place you want to be most is at home next to your partner, when you can go out just the two of you and have more fun than possibly imaginable."
"Always acknowledge that you will both meet other people and guard against disenchantment because the love spell may die down. Whatever you enjoy, you must not stop doing. I also commend Thando for not being overwhelmed and intimidated by an intelligent woman.
"Now that there is a baby on the way, this means there will be a third person in their marriage. On some occasions, a baby causes problems for young newly weds when mommy gives more attention to baby. I advise that they occasionally leave the baby with other family members like their mothers to make time to bond."
Mahlobo also added that it was equally important for women in marriages to act like mistresses in their bedrooms.
"These days, relationships are casual and men get bored and leave."
She said that there is a term called MBA (married but available) used by married men to sleep around.
"A man cheats and if the wife finds out they say, 'so what, she can leave if she wants to'.
"Now the woman is left in a disadvantaged position because she leads a posh lifestyle dependant on the husband, so when there is trouble, she puts up with it and shuts up," she said. - monnakgotlam@sowetan.co.za
The lessons of the young in love
IS SETTLING down at a young age motivated by blind love or just a brave leap of faith? Could it be the right thing to wait like our elders advise or are young people too immature to know any better?
These two love stories, scrutinised by relationship expert, seduction specialist and founder of Perfect Gal, Mandisa O Mahlobo, demonstrate some of the lessons of the young in love.
Lerato Stevens's dream of a happy family only lasted seven months.
After a 10-month relationship, Stevens, 20, of Cape Town got married in August last year to the 26-year-old father of her nine-month-old baby. Now they are going through a divorce.
She said that when they decided to commit to one another it was mainly for convenience.
"We both decided it was best to get married. He had three other kids that he had no relationship with and wanted to change. I grew up without a father, so I did not want my child to go through the same thing," she said.
Stevens said she could not chase after a man and thus did not do so when her husband wanted to leave.
Stevens said they lived with her mother who moved from Johannesburg to help with the baby at their Craven by home. Her husband moved out after a few months.
One of the lessons she took from her experience is that love can be lost.
"There was love [between us] but I learnt that it is possible for it to disappear. It has not turned to hate, it's just that now I cannot imagine that I once loved him," Stevens said.
"These days young people think marriage is necessary when there is a child. Why not get married because you love each other and then consider children later."
Newly weds Lesego and Thando Vilakazi, aged 22 and 24 cannot imagine themselves being with other people.
The couple tied the knot in May and are expecting their first child.
The Vilakazis believe that to make a success of their union, they have to remember where they come from.
"To make this work we have to always remember where it all began and ensure that our relationship is between just the two of us."
The high school sweethearts, who have known each other for nine years but dated for three, said that marriage is simply a better version of a relationship.
"It's really not as crazy as people think it is. Once you've found the person you want to be with it's really effortless. It is not too different from before, it's just a whole lot better."
Their biggest fear is having someone come between them.
The young couple spends most of their time in each other's company as they also run an office automation company in Soweto together.
"A happy marriage is when the only place you want to be most is at home next to your partner, when you can go out just the two of you and have more fun than possibly imaginable."
"Always acknowledge that you will both meet other people and guard against disenchantment because the love spell may die down. Whatever you enjoy, you must not stop doing. I also commend Thando for not being overwhelmed and intimidated by an intelligent woman.
"Now that there is a baby on the way, this means there will be a third person in their marriage. On some occasions, a baby causes problems for young newly weds when mommy gives more attention to baby. I advise that they occasionally leave the baby with other family members like their mothers to make time to bond."
Mahlobo also added that it was equally important for women in marriages to act like mistresses in their bedrooms.
"These days, relationships are casual and men get bored and leave."
She said that there is a term called MBA (married but available) used by married men to sleep around.
"A man cheats and if the wife finds out they say, 'so what, she can leave if she wants to'.
"Now the woman is left in a disadvantaged position because she leads a posh lifestyle dependant on the husband, so when there is trouble, she puts up with it and shuts up," she said. - monnakgotlam@sowetan.co.za
This article was first published in the printed newspaper and eEdition on 3 October 2012. Click on this link to view the eEdition
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