YOU are a mistress and you have been one for a while now, and you are wondering if he is ever going to leave his wife for you.

When you first met he told you that he was "in the process of separating; my wife and I are just like roommates.

"I am not happy in my marriage and I am only staying because of my kids."Or: "I think this time we are done." Or worse still: "My wife is a psycho, I'm afraid for my life if I leave her."

Johannesburg psychologist Asiphe Ndlela says it is rare that a cheating spouse would leave his partner for the mistress. She says he just flirted with the idea when he discovered the mistress.

In many cases, she says, the reason men have affairs is to seek sexual and emotional fulfillment outside their marriage, which they feel that their wives are unable to provide. But there are also men out there who find it hard to leave their wives for their lovers, especially after years of marriage.

"Even if he does leave his wife, chances are the mistress will never be happy. Often affairs are exciting because of the forbidden love, the sneaking around, the thrill and drama of pining for someone who is taken."

Ndlela says once that person is no longer taken, the thrill is gone and you are left with a real relationship and things such as taking out the trash, paying the mortgage, picking up the dry cleaning, cooking, raising a family etc.

"In other words, the mundane things that make up real life, not the high drama associated with an illicit affair."

Ndlela says usually relationships like this start out without two important things: trust and respect.

"You know you can't trust him since he is sneaking around with you and he knows he can't trust you since you are knowingly sleeping with another woman's husband. If he respected you, he would not put you in that situation.

"If he was that drawn to you, he should have showed you the respect of resolving his marriage before becoming involved with you."

Ndlela says relationships are hard enough without starting out like that.

She says relationships are often governed by competing emotions. And it helps for the mistress to understand the difference between "being in love" and "attachment".

"Love is a strong emotion that typically involves passion and desire - a need to be physically and emotionally intimate with another person. Love is designed to bring people together.

Attachment, on the other hand, is the sense of security, stability and comfort that people derive from their relationships. Attachment is designed to keep people together.

Because we form attachments to each other, when relationships come to an end, people suffer a tremendous sense of loss. The loss of an attachment partner takes away one's sense of security and stability.

As such, the loss of an attachment partner is one of life's most negative experiences. Again, love and attachment do not necessarily go hand in hand. It is possible to be in love with one person, but have an attachment to someone else."

Ndlela says a man can be in love with the mistress but he is still attached to his wife.

"If this is the case, it would be very difficult for him to leave her. Attachment bonds can keep people together, even when love is missing in a relationship.

"Leaving his wife would cause him tremendous loss and suffering.

"Think about it, a married man has a wife who probably takes care of his house, does his washing and cooking. He has kids, he has a life that's interwoven with his wife's.

"They have joint finances, pension plans, life insurance, healthcare plans, jointly owned property and vehicles, shared debt. He has his kids' future to think about.

"He's probably pretty content with his married life.

"What he gets from a mistress is regular sex, which makes him even happier."