Women are more forgiving

Men feel demeaned if they are cheated on

LAST month Afro-jazz songbird Judith Sephuma woke up to a screaming headline "Hands off my man", hurled at her by Mantwa, the wife of Nigerian jazz guitarist Kunle Ayo.

She was accusing Sephuma of having an affair with her husband. But both Sephuma and Ayo denied that they were having an affair.

Sephuma's hubby Simphiwe Mhlabi was reportedly filing for divorce, while Ayo was chased out of his matrimonial home by Mantwa.

Asiphe Ndlela, a psychologist, says few marriages survive this kind of situation.

She says women cheats are usually the ones who walk away with scars. She says their names get tainted and they are more likely to be dumped by their partners than men.

"Men take being cheated on harder because they are raised to be physical, which means they take pride in their physical prowess and abilities. Now, when examining why men take being cheated on harder, we must look into the psyche of the male."

Ndlela says oftentimes the man who is the victim of infidelity would be more interested in whether or not the other guy was a better lover or good in bed.

"This is evidence that the man feels he is somehow physically inadequate.

"A woman will want to know if their man is in love with the other female."

She says a man's ego will be hit by an issue that he may not believe he can change, whereas a woman probably will have the confidence in thinking she can change whatever influenced her man to cheat in the first place.

Why are women better at forgiving than men?

"Women have a greater empathetic capacity than men. They are emotional in their relationships and can put themselves in someone else's place that leads to forgiveness in a later period. On the other hand, men forget but never forgive while women forgive but never forget."

She adds that by societal standards, it's much more insulting for a woman to cheat on a man. Therefore, most men feel demeaned to be with a woman with loose knickers.

She says another reason why women forgive is that they hate to leave because they fear the stigma of being a divorcee or fear being single or losing financial security.

"The society has conditioned women to believe that they are nothing without a man."

Ndlela points out that studies show that more and more women are cheating. She attributes this to more political and economic power.

"Over the years women have had more opportunities. As they earn more money and work longer hours, more women are finding it possible and easy to cheat on their husbands."

Is forgiveness possible?

Ndlela says the most difficult part of cheating is to begin healing.

"It is hard to look at your romance partner that cheated on you.

"Forgiveness is something that takes a lot for someone to be able to do."

She says the only time that is right for forgiveness is when the partner has started to be honest with you and is not telling lies anymore.

She says not everyone who cheats is a bad person.