MUCH has been made and written about the Woodwork Boy's lacklustre matric results, which made him appear like a baboon, eish, buffoon.

Guluva was at one with Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's kindergarten spin doctor, Floyd Shivambu, when he revealed a year or so ago that the matric certificate issued in the name of one Sello Julius Malema was "not a true reflection of reality".

Shivambu reasoned that the certificate in question might probably have been "doctored" by "apartheid forces", or even "bloody agents", if Guluva could be allowed to add his two cents' worth.

For a bright young fellow such as the Woodwork Boy aka Juju, the future leader of our beloved nation, to achieve an H in mathematics standard grade and a G in woodwork, his chosen profession - at the age of 21 - was simply, utterly inconceivable. It was unimaginable, Guluva reckoned.

Well, that was Guluva's position until the Woodwork Boy addressed the kindergarten's members in Eastern Cape on his newly found pet project - land redistribution - at the weekend, where he correctly pointed out that the government's target of transferring 30percent of arable land to black people by 2014 would clearly not be achieved.

Speaking ahead of the kindergarten's national elective congress starting in Midrand tomorrow, the Woodwork Boy was quoted as saying: "Indications are very clear that by 2014 we will only have transferred 5percent. So what this really means is that every 20 years we transfer 5percent. It means in 100 years we would have transferred less than 20percent."

Guluva has to swallow his words and admit that the "H" symbol in mathematics standard grade awarded to one Sello Julius Malema in 2002 was fully deserved.

Goodbye, 8ta!

Guluva was distressed to hear that 8ta, purported to be Mzansi's fourth cellphone network operator, has already gobbled up more than R1billion of Telkom's investors' hard-earned cash, with nothing to show for it.

What's more, Telkom bosses still want to pour a further R6billion into the curiously named 8ta, supposedly a play on the township lingo greeting "heita" (hello), over the next five years.

With Vodacom and MTN already firmly established and dominating Mzansi's mobile telephone market, and the third cellphone operator Cell C still huffing and puffing even though it was launched more than 10 years ago, Guluva reckons it won't be long before 8ta is known as: "Heita and goodbye!"

Tsotsi vs tsotsi

Guluva hears from the grapevine that the number of illegal electricity connections in Mzansi's economically depressed communities has gone down drastically over the past few days.

This is despite the fact the mercury has plummeted to below freezing point in some parts of Mzansi as the winter chill continues to grip the country.

Even izinyoka (electricity thieves or tsotsis) are said to have uncharacteristically gone to ground, or are shivering in their boots, despite this normally being their busiest and most profitable season of the year.

Incidentally, these positive developments came shortly after Public Enterprises Minister Malusi Gigaba appointed Zola Tsotsi as chairman of electricity utility Eskom.

It was a tactically good move by the minister, if you think about it. As they say, it takes a tsotsi to catch a tsotsi.

Email Guluva on thatha.guluva@gmail.com.