EVERYTHING has seemingly come to a standstill in Mzansi these days.

EVERYTHING has seemingly come to a standstill in Mzansi these days.

Everything that is, except for robust electioneering, mudslinging, finger pointing, accusations and counter-accusations as politicians try to upstage one another ahead of next Wednesday's polls.

The Human Rights Commission, which was asked way back in September last year by Godzille's crowd to investigate the filthy Moqhaka open toilet scandal, is sitting on the report, with no one making firm commitments on the date and time it is going to be released.

Mzansi's slowest reader of all time - the one and only Public Works Minister Gwen Mahlangu-Nkabinde - is still to finish reading through the 92-page report on the R500 million property lease debacle and give us feedback almost three months after the document was handed to her by the public protector.

Whether the report will see the light of day in this lifetime is a matter of debate.

The City of Joburg is yet to release its 2009-2010 audited financial report that will give the poor ratepayers like Guluva the true picture of the city's financial position - especially in the light of the recent billing crisis - more than 10 months after the end of the financial year.

In the Friendly City, the Nelson Mandela Bay Municipality is keeping mum on what is believed to be an explosive report said not to be at all too flattering to former mayor Nceba Faku. It does not seem the report will be made public any time soon.

Another explosive and embarrassing report - allegedly citing large-scale unauthorised, irregular and wasteful expenditure, incompetence and corruption in the local government sphere - is still under wraps and will apparently remain so for the foreseeable future.

Guluva is handing out no prizes for guessing why Mzansi has, save on the May 18 local government elections razzmatazz, been put on hold.

Fiks-ing the toilet mess

The award for the headline of the week must go to The Citizen, and jealously so.

Seething with rage, the Woodwork Boy went to Viljoenskroon with Sports Minister Fikile "Mr Fiks It" Mbalula and Ain't Seen Nothing Yet national executive committee member Tony Yengeni in tow to wipe up the toilet mess, if you like, created by the local Moqhaka municipality.

On arrival at Rammulotsi township, the visibly agitated Woodwork Boy, otherwise known as Juju, bombarded hapless Moqhaka executive mayor Mantebu Mokgosi with a series of questions - such as "Mayor, what happened?" and "What did the province say?" - before warning that heads would roll (in a toilet roll, perhaps?).

It was a really stinking and messy affair, after which The Citizen ran a story the following day under this simple but clever headline: "Juju's toilet role."

But what Guluva wants to know is: was this "toilet role" a single-ply or double-ply?

The success of Juju's role, or lack thereof, will probably give us a clearer indication of the type of ply the prefect of the Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's kindergarten used to wipe up the mess.

Guluva would want to add his two cents' worth to this fascinating but nauseating saga, though.

If Juju fails, for one reason or the other, to put the heads of the offending party in one toilet roll, he might probably have to consider flushing them out, once and for all.

After all, wasn't that the reason Mr Fiks-It was there in the first place?

Email Guluva on: thatha.guluva@gmail.com