Just the right job for Winnie
PARLIAMENT can be boring sometimes - discussing mundane and irrelevant issues that have no bearing whatsoever on the lives of "the masses of our people".
The first person with intimate knowledge of this is former mother of the nation Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, who returned to Parliament when the Machine Gun Man took power in 2009.
Though she earns R800000 a year as an MP the former mother of the nation does not believe the institution is the appropriate site for her to discharge her responsibilities as an elected public representative, hence her long spells of absence from it.
"How effective can a 'liberation struggle stalwart' like me be sitting and debating housing (MPs', not the poor's), income (MPs', not the poor's) with 'disgruntled MPs' while my country burns and while all of Africa is not free?" she angrily told Sowetan's sister paper, Sunday Times, last year when quizzed about her serial truancy from parliament.
The country was burning again last week, believe it or not. And, true to form "the liberation struggle stalwart" was there to put out the fires.
This was when the Woodwork Boy made an appearance in the Equality Court in connection with his singing of the "Shoot the Boer" song or chant, depending on who you believe.
It was the same week that parliament's ethics committee decided to ask the Public Protector to probe the small and possibly inconsequential matter of Cooperative Governance and Traditional Affairs Minister Sicelo Shiceka's spending.
Guluva believes it's high time the Machine Gun Man formally appoints "the liberation struggle stalwart" as Minister Without Limits.
Begging Bad Benni
Guluva has lost count of the number of times Benni McCarthy has shown Bafana Bafana the middle finger.
But now that he has fallen on bad times his manager, Rob Moore, is harassing Bafana Bafana coach Pitso Mosimane to give the big-headed, Big Mac-munching one a job as a striker coach. Mosimane has reportedly refused. Guluva puts the blame squarely on McCarthy's shoulders.
If Bad Benni were a good listener, he would have remembered his elders in Hanover Park telling him at some stage in his life that he must be careful not to offload his body waste and fluid on people who helped him climb the ladder of success because he might need them on his way down.
With the May 18 elections drawing near, Guluva is inundated with interesting and sometimes terrifying tidbits about panga-wielding candidates, the manipulation of candidate lists, hit lists, to-do lists, and so on.
He hears that Esther Dipale, one of the Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's Jozi ward councillors, lives in Tswelopele Cope House. Cope leader Mosiuoa Lekota must be pleased with the free advertising the party gets every time she tells people where she lives.
E-mail Guluva on email@example.com