IT IS almost a fait accompli that alcohol advertising will be banned in Mzansi as the government moves to limit the carnage on the country's roads, which is largely caused by alcohol abuse.
Despite its spirited attempts to resist the move, the liquor industry appears to have resigned itself to the grim prospect of losing millions of rands in profits as soon as the bill sails through Parliament.
To make matters worse, it is believed major brewers will also be required by law to prominently carry labels on all liquor bottles and cans warning consumers about the dangers of recklessly imbibing these waters of immortality.
To prepare Guluva for this inevitable eventuality, an old buddy of his sent him a list of messages that will mostly likely be displayed on all liquor bottles and cans warning consumers about the consequences of alcohol abuse.
These messages, just like the health warnings on cigarette packs before them, make very scary reading, to an extent that Guluva is even contemplating quitting the darn habit long before the mooted legislation comes into effect.
According to the warnings Guluva's buddy sent him alcohol consumption might:
- Make you think you are whispering when you are not;
- Cause you to dance like a retard;
- Cause pregnancy if you are a woman;
- Cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them;
- Cause you to think you can sing like Beyoncé;
- Make you think you can dance like Shakira or John Travolta;
- Lead you to believe former lovers are dying for you to call them at 4am;
- Make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting;
- Create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than other people;
- Make you think people are laughing with you; and
- Be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.
So there you are; don't say you haven't been warned.
BEAUTY IN THE EYE OF OFFICE-HOLDER
Guluva burst out laughing when the Woodwork Boy, Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's loose cannon who doubles as a stand-up comedian, especially now in the run-up to the May 18 local government elections, praised the "beautiful women" who populate the ranks of Mzansi's ruling party.
This was after he had asked residents of Westernburg in Limpopo, where he was addressing an election rally, if they had seen "an ugly woman in a blue dress dancing like a monkey", a clear reference to Godzille-De Lille Connection's Godzille.
The Woodwork Boy, who also goes by the nickname Juju, said Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's women were, in apparent contrast to Godzille, very beautiful.
He singled out Basic Education Minister Angie Motshekga, telling anyone who cared to listen that the ANC Women's League president was "a very beautiful woman".
Guluva wants to advise the Woodwork Boy that when he articulates matters of beauty - and the heart - he must speak for himself because many people will, in many instances, disagree with him.
Beauty, as the saying goes, is in the eye of the beholder.
E-mail Guluva on thatha.guluva@gmail.com.
Take note of messages on bottle
IT IS almost a fait accompli that alcohol advertising will be banned in Mzansi as the government moves to limit the carnage on the country's roads, which is largely caused by alcohol abuse.
Despite its spirited attempts to resist the move, the liquor industry appears to have resigned itself to the grim prospect of losing millions of rands in profits as soon as the bill sails through Parliament.
To make matters worse, it is believed major brewers will also be required by law to prominently carry labels on all liquor bottles and cans warning consumers about the dangers of recklessly imbibing these waters of immortality.
To prepare Guluva for this inevitable eventuality, an old buddy of his sent him a list of messages that will mostly likely be displayed on all liquor bottles and cans warning consumers about the consequences of alcohol abuse.
These messages, just like the health warnings on cigarette packs before them, make very scary reading, to an extent that Guluva is even contemplating quitting the darn habit long before the mooted legislation comes into effect.
According to the warnings Guluva's buddy sent him alcohol consumption might:
So there you are; don't say you haven't been warned.
BEAUTY IN THE EYE OF OFFICE-HOLDER
Guluva burst out laughing when the Woodwork Boy, Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's loose cannon who doubles as a stand-up comedian, especially now in the run-up to the May 18 local government elections, praised the "beautiful women" who populate the ranks of Mzansi's ruling party.
This was after he had asked residents of Westernburg in Limpopo, where he was addressing an election rally, if they had seen "an ugly woman in a blue dress dancing like a monkey", a clear reference to Godzille-De Lille Connection's Godzille.
The Woodwork Boy, who also goes by the nickname Juju, said Ain't Seen Nothing Yet's women were, in apparent contrast to Godzille, very beautiful.
He singled out Basic Education Minister Angie Motshekga, telling anyone who cared to listen that the ANC Women's League president was "a very beautiful woman".
Guluva wants to advise the Woodwork Boy that when he articulates matters of beauty - and the heart - he must speak for himself because many people will, in many instances, disagree with him.
Beauty, as the saying goes, is in the eye of the beholder.
E-mail Guluva on thatha.guluva@gmail.com.
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