Government regulations on blow jobs are hitting below the belt

Image: 123rf/ Fabio Formaggio

Like most people at this time of the year, I have just suffered from a serious bout of influenza. The seasonal bug had me coughing, sneezing, wheezing, sniffing and spluttering before finally exiting my abused system.

I am now ready for the winter haul except I have suddenly developed a gargantuan appetite. As a result, I've been stuffing myself more than usual and there are telltale signs of umkhaba forming.

It got so bad that last week I went for a pregnancy test. I know it sounds over the top but regular Straight and Two Beers imbibers will remember my predicament last year when my foot was clamped with an aluminum fixator.

This restricted my movement so much so that I turned to Kama Sutra to find a position that would enable me to continue enjoying conjugal rights despite my disability.

Woman-on-top mercifully came to my rescue. Ah, but for the coital bliss of lying there with minimal physical exertion while being bumped and grinded!

This is the position I initially suspected for my phantom pregnancy before the doctor gave me a clean bill of health.

I was perusing my trusted Kama Sutra manual when I heard that the president of Uganda had banned oral sex because "the mouth should be used for eating only".

Apart from my belief that the government should not legislate below the belt, I just cannot understand how Yoweri Museveni intends to police blow jobs. I can imagine an oral sex unit setting up random roadblocks where those suspected of indulging in cunnilingus would be breathalysed.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine living in a blow job-free country.

One of the reasons I'm proudly South African is our constitution, which is completely mute on hanky-panky.

I was therefore not ready for the outpouring of full-blown puritanism that engulfed social media this week.

It followed the postings of some slay queens indulging in rimming.

I was more surprised by the moral indignation of some prudes than the revelation of rimming in some circles where top dollar is forked out for the pleasure.

Some of the comments I read were incredulous that the ladies would even contemplate licking the place where the sun doesn't shine.

I can neither deny nor confirm that I have indulged in that, but armed with my Kama Sutra, I am conscious of pleasure points that do not fit the confines of a good upbringing.

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