Hollywood's now soiled by Trump's diarrhoea, so guess I'll try Nollywood
Regular quaffers of Straight & Two Beers will remember that I'm a movie buff. I grew up on a staple of Van Damme, Jackie Chan and Rambo.
This upbringing has sparked a life-long love affair with Hollywood. I am afraid I can't say the same for Nollywood. Call me unpatriotic or captured but I just cannot stomach the long, loud Nigerian movies.
How do you explain a ghost looking left and right before crossing the road? I refuse to believe the family dog is still alive after 25 years.
A man gets shot in the stomach but appears in hospital with bandages on his head and a leg in a cast.
However, the members of my family love those flicks, so you can imagine the remote control wars during screen time.
Oh, I also feel no inkling to watch Bollywood movies.
It's cute to watch those pretty Indian women swivelling their lithe bodies, but I just don't feel their storylines. I'd rather settle for the Chinese kicking ass over a Chappies stolen from someone's father 20 years ago.
American flicks are, of course, propagandist. They like to portray themselves as the saviours of the world and as winners.
"God bless the United States of America" is a phrase you'll hear in many a Hollywood movie.
So last week when Potus (President of the United States), Donald Trump, insulted the whole of Africa and Haiti, it rankled. Chineke meeee! It escaped the ungrateful billionaire that it was these shithole countries his forebears plundered to build America and Europe.
I had expected the Union Buildings to call for a boycott of all things American, but it seems President Jacob Zuma has a lot on his plate.
I have now decided to give Naija movies the benefit of the doubt. Trump can kiss my ass-o.