Leave smiley alone, Mashaba, and visit my cockroach dairy

Vusi Nzapheza Straight & 2 Beers
Joburg mayor Herman Mashaba felt the need to enforce the city's health by-laws when he arrested a self-employed man pushing a trolley filled with skopo in the CBD.
Joburg mayor Herman Mashaba felt the need to enforce the city's health by-laws when he arrested a self-employed man pushing a trolley filled with skopo in the CBD.
Image: Twitter

Eureka! After a daunting two years of research, I have finally managed to milk a cockroach. It may sound disgusting but I've been intrigued since 2016 when scientists discovered that cockroach milk is one of the most nutritious substances on the planet.

The study found that cockroach milk contains three times more calories than buffalo milk, which currently holds the prize for the most calorie-rich milk. Cockroach milk also contains protein and
amino acids.

The milk of the cockroach has joined the list of nutrient-rich superfoods such as turnip greens, berries, avocado, green tea, eggs, legumes, garlic, ginger, olive oil, turmeric, salmon, seaweed and mushrooms.

As you can imagine, catching and milking a cockroach was not a walk in the park. However, I had an ace up my sleeve as I became only the second human being in the world to drink cockroach milk.

I am blessed with what is called hyperopia (far sightedness).

Whereas most people wear spectacles to enhance their vision, I am the total opposite of myopia. I have been wearing specs for decades to reduce my sharp eyesight. From a young age, I could see an ant crawling underneath the ground.

Trouble started when I was able to see people without clothes. It made my schooling hell since my eyes wandered away from the chalkboard to what lurked under the dungaree dresses. The teachers could not explain my dreamy expression.

Following my diagnosis, I wear specs around the clock and even wear them to bed to prevent seeing dreams I am yet to dream.

Anyway, I have invented minute pincers to hold the nipples of a cockroach and extract a droplet of milk.

The taste of cockroach milk made a change from my usual tipple. Oh yes, insects have become the new cuisine.

There's even a local company that introduced
ice-cream produced from "entomilk", a milk alternative made from insects. You ought to try it sometime.

So, imagine my shock and horror when I read that Joburg mayor Herman Mashaba arrested a man for selling skopo last week. Mashaba made a citizen's arrest when he saw a trader pushing a trolley filled with cow heads.

He expressed health concerns with the handling of the meat although that's how smiley and trotters have always been handled ekasi.

The mayor clearly has never attended a funeral in Limpopo and seen how food is spilled on an iron sheet for men to tuck in with their hands.

Mashaba was reminded that the recent listeria outbreak emerged from a corporate factory while
open-air township "restaurants" have never caused mild diarrhoea.

He duly apologised to the smiling head of a cow although a few people commended his actions to enforce health by-laws.

After all, it'll be his head on the block should there be an outbreak in Johannesburg.

I therefore invite Mashaba to inspect my cockroach dairy. Despite the cockroach being maligned for living in dingy corners, he'll find the dairy cleaner than his hair factories.

With his business acumen, I might even commercialise the operation to feed the over-VAT-ed masses of South Africa.

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