Money trauma can shape our beliefs about finances – therapist

How often do you have the money talk? Is it weekly, monthly or it just happens when it does?

A recent Dirtiest Word Research by Sanlam found that 60% of participants were raised in families where finances were not openly spoken about. That's shocking.

“Positively, almost half the surveyed participants revealed they discuss finances regularly – weekly [27%] or monthly [32%]. However, for some, it’s a conversation that comes up every few months [22%], once or twice a year [10%], or never [9%],” said Sanlam's chief marketing officer Mariska Oosthuizen.

“A third of participants speak about money at least monthly with their children; 13% never do, continuing money talk taboos. About 34% of participants cited feeling worried when speaking about finances; 20% fear judgment.

“About 47% said that they’d be uncomfortable talking about finances with friends because they believe money should be private; it’s too personal to talk about. Most people [45%] felt affirmed when speaking about finances with others – it makes me feel like we’re facing tough economic times together.”

Oosthuizen said the research, which had 1,581 respondents, revealed that younger generations were more open to discussing money issues than older generations.

So, where do you fall when you look at these findings?

When you look back at how you grew up, are you among those who come from homes where money was never open for discussion?

How does this make you feel?

Therapist and mental health advocate Luxolo Isabelle Dywili says "unresolved financial stress is passed down, shaping our beliefs about money".

She notes that money trauma is “passed down through generations when unprocessed financial stress responses become embedded in family systems”.

“Trauma can be any situation that causes us to feel overwhelmed. Our bodies react by undergoing biological changes, with fight-or-flight stress responses that can continue well beyond the perceived threat. This is how trauma becomes deeply embedded. Generational trauma, specifically, refers to how unprocessed trauma responses are passed down across generations, creating patterns that can affect beliefs about money,” says Dywili.

“Money traumas start in childhood with our early experiences in our family systems that have a profound impact on our financial beliefs and future outcomes. If you grew up poor, for example, not having money is scary. As you grow older, that anxiety may stay, irrespective of how much money you make.

“Conversely, if you have a privileged childhood, you may struggle to build up the resilience to cope with situations that money cannot solve. Children are immersed in the money mindsets of their loved ones. Whatever money story exists in your family will inform your money script and how you react to future scenarios. We all have inherited beliefs – money is the root of all evil, or you can never have enough money – we carry within us.

“These traumas, if left unprocessed, can continue across generations, creating patterns that can impact money beliefs. They start in childhood with our early experiences and have a profound impact on our financial beliefs and future outcomes. They’re the inherited beliefs that we carry within us, informing our internal money scripts.”

She says decreasing shame is the first step towards overcoming financial traumas.

“You are not alone and help is available. Start to understand your money trauma triggers so you can plan your coping strategies accordingly. Honour your traumas and how they may have impacted you emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. Stop any harsh self-judgment and view past traumas as opportunities for learning, growth and increased resilience,” Dywili says.

Physician and author Gabor Maté says one should acknowledge and accept what has happened to them and allow yourself to feel all the associated feelings of anger, grief and loss.

“Acceptance means being with whatever you are and feel in this moment. This increases one’s sense of free agency and creates room for authenticity. Authenticity means finding our true selves and creating new choices by replacing old, preprogrammed responses,” Maté says. 

Dywili says despite one-third of respondents not discussing money with loved ones frequently, “healing begins with understanding family money patterns and opening up about financial experiences”.

“Reflect on specific money-related memories from your childhood. Journaling can help uncover deeply held beliefs. For example, ask yourself: What did I learn about money growing up? or 'How did my family handle financial stress?' Recognising these patterns is the first step to healing.

“Speaking about money can deepen relationships, uncover shared patterns, and even offer opportunities for collective healing. It starts with you.”

Dywili gives tips to help you deal with your financial traumas:

• Start by honouring your traumas: Begin to understand them and recognise how they’ve impacted you.
• Let go of any harsh self-judgment: Try to see past traumas as opportunities to grow.
• Speak about the F-word – finances: Understand you are not alone; help is available. Money conversations can lead to learning healthy coping strategies to support financial wellness. Have the hard conversations with professionals and people close to you. Consider preparing for these discussions ahead of time.
• Make time: Schedule uninterrupted time with the person. 
• Start small if you need to: By sharing a money memory and what it brings up for you.
• Be clear and direct about your reasons for having the conversation: Be honest and try not to sugarcoat things. Try to end positively and thank the other person for talking with you. 
• Pause if you need to: Navigating financial trauma can be tough, so if you need to pause and come back to a topic later, that’s okay.

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