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Healthy boundaries an essential part of self-care

Communicate with others from place of love and kindness to protect relationships

Setting boundaries becomes necessary for our well-being especially when we experience overwhelming situations.
Setting boundaries becomes necessary for our well-being especially when we experience overwhelming situations.
Image: Darren Baker

Very often, we feel like the 24 hours we get in a day is not enough.

For 22-year-old Taonga Phiri, who took up a position on the Student Representative Council (SRC) at Rhodes University in 2021, she had to find a way to balance the demands of her leadership role with various aspects of her academic and personal life.

“The first part of 2021 had me feeling like I needed more hours in a day. It took a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had to make a decision — to either sink or swim.

“In order to swim, I needed to implement healthy boundaries,” says Phiri who has now learnt to set these boundaries to avoid a life of constant overwhelm.

Taonga Phiri.
Taonga Phiri.
Image: supplied

Fortunately, the setting of healthy boundaries enabled her to diligently serve those who put their trust in her, while ensuring that she is not pouring from an empty cup.

Indeed, setting boundaries may not always be the easiest thing to do.

It may often require tough conversations with those in our lives.

In as much as we may like to be there for everyone at all times, this is not always possible.

We cannot always say yes to everything.

As such, setting boundaries is necessary for our well-being and can free us from feeling constantly overwhelmed, drained and even resentful.  

Through implementing boundaries, Phiri was able to be honest with herself and those around her.

Lovingly and respectfully communicating her boundaries resulted in a weight being lifted off her shoulders and changed her life for the better.

She no longer had to overextend herself and was able to operate with awareness.

“Having implemented healthy boundaries, I found more joy in doing my duties. I had a schedule, and there was order in my life,” she says.

Importantly, she admits that the setting of boundaries is a journey that continues to come with much learning and unlearning.

“I learnt kindness and grace. Sometimes my boundaries may have been healthy for me, but they may have unknowingly affected the next person. I always told myself, 'Give the kindness and grace you expect' in exercising my boundaries. I was respecting my boundaries, but I also had to remember to respect those of others.”

Moreover, Phiri also learnt the importance of allowing others to be there for her.

Through being open to the help and guidance offered by her mentor, she was able to preserve her sanity and balance the various aspects of her life which needed her to be functioning at her best.

“When the world was chaotic, I knew I had an adviser who would hold my hand and help me implement the boundaries I had put on paper.

“My mentor would tell me, 'Tee, you cannot do this because you are tired, so rest'. Sometimes we need to hear these things from other people.”

With healthy boundaries having assisted her through what may have been a rather disastrous and detrimental year, Phiri has become aware of the value of open and honest communication.

“I’ve learnt that it’s okay to tell my friends that I am not coping. I am not in the best space to be around you. Loved ones who have your best interests will understand and should be holding your hand to ensure you are swimming, and not sinking.

“Where a relationship fell apart after being honest, I also had to make peace with that. I was open to the reality that not everyone will be receptive to my boundaries and that's okay.”

Life coach and wellness educator Yvette Ratshikhopha.
Life coach and wellness educator Yvette Ratshikhopha.
Image: supplied

According to life coach, author and wellness educator, Yvette Ratshikhopha, boundaries are indeed an essential part of self-care and can help us protect our relationships with those around us.

While they may sometimes be challenging to implement, boundaries can bring the relief and positive change we need in our lives.

When communicating our boundaries, feelings of guilt, rejection and discomfort may arise.

However, Ratshikhopha recommends being okay with the discomfort that may come.

“Feeling guilty does not always mean you’ve done something wrong. When setting boundaries, there are so many responses one may encounter.  

“For example, being called names, being told you’re selfish or that you’re only thinking about yourself. People may also isolate and distance themselves from you,” she says.

Notwithstanding, the wellness educator also advised that, for our own well-being and for the health of our relationships, the manner in which our boundaries are communicated is vital.

“When setting boundaries, it’s important to communicate from a place of love. But also, have consequences.

“Let people know that it is not okay for them to continue disregarding your boundaries and that you can only continue to interact with them when they honour your boundaries.”

Lastly, in determining the difference between healthy and toxic boundaries, Ratshikhopha recommends self-introspection and honest conversations with oneself.

“The biggest question you have to ask yourself is whether this is serving you, your relationships and your highest intentions.

Some people think a boundary is cutting off everybody. That cannot be healthy in the long run.”

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