In the market for a new (fancy) car? Here are our suggestions

High net worth and looking for the perfect set of wheels? Renowned petrolhead Thomas Falkiner plays motoring matchmaker.

The man in the blue suit

Age: Enjoys a good 25-year-old, whether whisky or women

Trademarks: Tailored blue three-piece and bespoke brown leather shoes

Find him at: Anywhere devoid of journalists or other media scum

You live fast and play hard. Maybe you’ve built up a successful accounting company, or maybe you used Dad’s contacts to work your way up the ladder at some investment bank. Either way, you’re loaded.

Yup, when not making and counting stacks, you enjoy nothing more than spending them (which is why you’ve watched The Wolf of Wall Street 62 times and — secretly — support Donald Trump).

Suspicious of what gets published in car magazines, you’ve turned to the world’s hip-hop megastars for help and have since developed a taste for pimped-out Bentleys, Aston Martins, and McLarens.

None of these quite fits your budget right now, so you’ll just “live” with something more affordable until your ship comes in (“three years max, magents”).

We recommend: BMW M4 CS with all the extras ticked. Naturally.

Price: From R1.8-million

Image: Supplied

The blesser

Age: Nobody is quite sure but possibly in his mid-50s

Trademarks: Numerous pairs of Carvelas, expensive cigars and Hennessy

Find him at: The new Saxonwold Shebeen, wherever that may be nowadays you straddle that mystical zone between politics and big business. Money is never a problem, and you’re able to finance everything from minor revolutions to upscale property developments.

Your fourth marriage is reportedly on the rocks, but that’s okay because you’ve got a veritable harem of attractive young ladies nibbling from your hand. Sure, some are quite demanding but,really, what’s the odd Mini Cooper Convertible between hookups at your secret summer residence at the Michelangelo Towers?

As you’re growing old gracefully, you’ve decided to cut down on the sports cars and instead spend a few bob on those new premium SUVs that are now de rigueur around your holiday retreat in Dubai.

We recommend: Rolls-Royce Cullinan or Lamborghini Urus. Obvs.

Price: From R3.3-million for the Urus, and the Cullinan is POA

Image: Supplied

The woman CEO

Age: 40 going on 25

Trademark: A Louis Vuitton bag for every day of the week

Find her at: Marble, or any other decadent venue. No kids. No cats. No dogs. And definitely no men, because— as social media puts it so eloquently — #MenAreTrash (especially your douchebag ex). You’re a firm believer in sistas doing it for themselves, and the proof of this pudding lies in the successful advertising agency you’ve spent the last 20 years so diligently building.

When not flying down to Cape Town (or Dubai or New York) for business, you’re attending corporate wellness seminars and working on your book: a self-help, you-can-do-it guide empowering young women entrepreneurs in the work place.

You’ve recently discovered yoga and through it a culture of oneness with nature and sustainability. You’re super keen on quinoa and the harvesting of your own solar energy to power an electric car.

We recommend: There’s only one machine worth your taste — the Jaguar I-Pace

Price: From R1-million

Image: Supplied

The blessee

Age: 25 – now and in 10 years’ time

Trademarks: Killer nails, freshly done hair and a credit card with a seemingly infinite limit

Find her at: Anywhere (can be overseas too) Black Coffee is playing and the Moët is flowing — on somebody else’s tab b*tch please — you’re only as cute as your last Instagram post. And filters are cheating, which is why you’re constantly working on your appearance in real time with cash accrued from legions of salivating men with deep pockets and (in your case at least) equally long arms.

What you don’t spend on extended beauty salon sessions, you save for rent and, of course,payments on that new convertible you’ve “worked” so hard for. Nice. But riddle me this — with hair that fine, when do you ever actually put the top down?

We recommend: Damn girl – can you really go wrong with a Mini Convertible?

Price: From R420 000

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