Trips to public bathrooms are generally unpleasant experiences. Shorn of the consideration people would normally show for private residences, people use public bathrooms as a space to allow their dirtiest habits free reign. If you want to add awkwardness to this experience, pop into a full male bathroom and try use the urinal. A lot can go weirdly wrong when a group of men with exposed penises occupy the same space, hence we thought it may be useful to write up a little urinal etiquette guide. One would think this kind of thing would be self evident but supposedly self evident things rarely are:

Spacing

Personal space plays a factor in just about every setting you could hope to find yourself in. If your boss or a colleague stands too close to you at work, it’s creepy. The same applies at banks and even clubs so it should be no surprise that would when you are draining the main vein. If at all possible, allow an empty urinal to fill the space between you and the next person.

Splash Zones

One of the reasons spacing is so important is because not all urinals are made equal. Some don’t have barriers between them which can create problems for the neighbour of a forceful urinator. It is not a competition, so if your porcelain pee catcher does not have barriers decant yourself considerately. No one wants to go through the mental anguish of being splashed by someone else’s pee.

Conversation

Striking up conversations with strangers can be fun but is it really necessary when said stranger is trying to expel the last three beers he just had. What could you possibly want to talk about at that moment? Even if you know the person next to you, wait until everyone’s trouser snakes are tucked safely back in their cages.

Eyes front and centre

Have you ever had that feeling that someone was watching you? It feels weird doesn’t it? Kind of like a pervy ghost is tickling your spine. Imagine that feeling as it relates to your meat. There you are innocently pouring the recycled contents of a Heineken bottle into a urinal when get that pervy ghost feeling. Gross. Find another way to confirm whether or not the rumours are true.