MO AND PHINDI | All-or-nothing attitude in marriage poses real threat to health of union

The all-or-nothing mindset – a polarised and toxic thought pattern also known as dichotomous thinking – is a common thinking error that negatively affects many marriages. This happens when you see your marriage as either completely positive or completely negative, or your spouse as never doing things or as always doing things.

When your mind is thinking in absolute all-or-nothing terms, usually words like “always”, “never”, “every”, “nothing”, “either or” are used. You don’t have a holistic view of issues but only as right or wrong, good or bad, black or white, and middle ground is not considered. Instead, you feel that they never listen to you, or they’re always displaying selfish behaviours, or they tell lies every time, or they do nothing around the house.

However, all things considered, this is likely not the reality. This thinking pattern turns spouses who “suffer” from it into bitter perfectionists who get emotionally irritated by smallest deviations from unreachable expectations.

All-or-nothing thinking usually comes with you convincing yourself that things should be different (read perfect) and if they’re not, your spouse has something to do with it.

Why this poisonous thinking? It’s likely because you have a perfectionist personality, where everything must be done very well, in order and very neatly – and anything short means the whole thing must be thrown out.

Furthermore, you may also be behaving in this manner to alleviate the stress and tension it causes you when your spouse’s statements or actions don’t make sense to you: How could she not know that always leaving dishes in the sink drives me nuts? Or when they don’t fulfill your needs: He never supports me and I’m always left to fend for myself.

The extremes of this type of thinking then reduce emotional tension by giving you a convenient, easy-to-understand way to explain your spouse’s behaviours that disturb you.

Unfortunately, all-or-nothing thinking is far more destructive than protective. When you tell your spouse, “You always…” or “You never…” we can guarantee that you and your spouse will not be discussing the real issues. You will have forced your spouse to defend themselves: “What do you mean I always leave dishes in the sink?” And the whole conversation deteriorates from there.

The following are ways this type of thinking could poison your marriage:

Destroys confidence. Your spouse will always come short, feel less-than and live with a dented self-confidence. You’re likely going to be highly critical of them. And your consistent criticism will not only cause a rift between the two of you but will also cause serious insecurities in the marriage.

Faulty perception of your spouse. When your spouse doesn’t live up to your all-or-nothing expectations, you may begin to see them in a negative light when their human weaknesses surface. Actually, many times, you’d even believe you married wrong.

Misunderstandings. All-or-nothing thinking can prevent you from seeing your spouse’s point of view for what it really is. As such, they’ll likely feel as though you’ll never understand where they come from or that you disregard their feelings. Furthermore, conflict resolution will also be quite challenging in your marriage.

Unnecessary drama. With all-or-nothing thinking, any small imperfection turns your marriage as well as your life into a big drama. A small disagreement or a normal “bad hair day” that’s common in marriages, may lead to impulsive decisions that could throw the baby out with the water. Divorce, even though you wouldn’t necessarily want it, is always imagined in your mind.

Missed growth opportunities. Simplifying things into easy, binary terms robs you of much of the complexity that makes marriage so rich. When you see the world in black-and-white, it distorts your thinking, as you may view a situation as being catastrophic or entirely negative, when in reality, there’s good and bad in most situations and in all of us.

Being in a healthy marriage means that you don’t see your spouse in all-or-nothing terms. You see them as a complete human being with their own life experiences, dogmas, values and a set of beliefs that frame how they view and interpret the world.

It’s not about right or wrong. It’s just how they’ve experienced life. Accept that in the backdrop of your own complex journey. Then a healthy and fulfilling marriage could be born from there as you grow in love together.