That won't get Stella her lockdown groove back

Kwanele Ndlovu Singles Lane
Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams and friends at Mdu Manana's house, breaking the law of social distancing./Supplied
Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams and friends at Mdu Manana's house, breaking the law of social distancing./Supplied

I am a creative, so you bet my imagination is up there at Hollywood level with special effects and great soundtrack.

And boy, did I overwork my little head staging an ideal response to that Instagram gaffe by bhuti Mdu and his bestie sisi Stella.

Press conference!

With the journos standing a metre apart with the recorders and note pads. Enter minister of police Bheki Cele, the king of outrage. He is flanked by the minister of justice and another guy whose sole duty is to sanitise the microphone.

Ndosi pulls down his mask and wipes sweat off his forehead. His eyes pierce from under his suede hat and he starts pointing; "Don't know what is it is that Manana puts in his food to such an extent that Stella didn't cook in her home. She didn't go to Pick n Pay. Hey madoda. She breaks the law to eat kwaManana. Yini le ephekwa uMduduzi kanti? And maphoyisa, anybody who sees Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams, mubophe!"

But that didn't happen. Instead, the president pulled a Mabena on us. Hawu, ntate Cyril! An apology is not one of the sanctions listed on your regulations and sanctions mos. I swear I have read each and every one of the updates because I take the lockdown so seriously that I know that my first responsibility is to be well-versed with the laws around it.

You would think that the one person responsible for administrating telecommunications would protest the capturing of photos of an occasion where she is blatantly violating what is currently the most revered regulations of our times.

In fact, we are all on special leave. No? In fact, most of the South Africans will be losing a great chunk of their salaries due to the lockdown.

In a country where ministers are Instagram queens and kings, flossing their opulent jet-setting lifestyles and red bottom shoes, we cannot accept a minister forsaking her salary at the expense of justice.

Else, more delinquents from the guard will be doing worse than lunch and giggles with their buddies during lockdown, with a reassured arrogance and knowledge that there will be no consequence beyond losing one of their multi-stream incomes.

A longer suspension of Sisi Stella, or even sacking really, should have been an additional administrative sanction to drive home the point of just how serious government is in curbing the spread of the Covid-19. The primary reaction is an arrest and a charge.

It is astonishing that in the president's statement, the last passage boldly states that ".I am satisfied that minister Ndabeni-Abrahams appreciates the seriousness of what she has done and that no-one is above the law."

Erh, no sir, that is not the impression that little slap on the wrist gave. The public apology from the minister is admirable, I bet it will make for a good laugh between Sisi Stella and Bhuti Mdu when they lunch again and reminisce.

There is, however, a more appropriate place for her to wear black couture, minimal make-up, tilt her head slightly to the left and plead for forgiveness.

In the dock! Let her go and apologise before a court, in mitigation and negotiate a fine.

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