Being a WAG will not work with my ‘phuma silwe’ attitude
For a dizzying moment in my youth I thought about being the wife or girlfriend of a sports star. I'm reminded of this as we watch the Springboks go on tour, and all the thirsty people who have come out to support them have triggered me.
I imagined the life of a WAG would be a nice way to see the world but soon realised my phuma silwe attitude, combined with social media, wouldn't work.
You need to be patient and crafty to be a WAG. I'm too much like a hammer to ever excel at this, case in point being the saga of Rebekah Vardy and Coleen Rooney.
Way over yonder in Britain, local media was left shaking in their boots from the genius and totally delicious trapping of Rebekah by arguably the most well-known British WAG, Coleen.
I haven't seen such drama since Footballers Wives was taken off air. Rebekah was accused of selling stories about Coleen to the English tabloids.
Coleen suspected an acquaintance of foul play as her Instagram stories from her private account were being published in The Sun. She then started posting fake news about her life and watched as those stories were published as well.
Like the hunter I'm sure her ancestors were, she lay in wait for her prey and decided to spring the trap. Blocking everyone but one account from viewing her stories, she continued to plant fake news.
Lo and behold, the fake news was published and she'd caught her leak! She plugged it in a very public manner by announcing the ingenious plan and the culprit on her social media.
Rebekah completely denied she was the mole, of course, and expressed her disappointment that she was even a suspect, then went on to lament how absolutely terrible it was for her to be treated in this manner while heavily pregnant.
This incident is a stark reminder why I could never make it on the WAG list. You have to have ninja-like abilities to block all the women who accost your husband with gym selfies and call him a type - like our long-suffering, foremost rugby WAG, Rachel Kolisi.
Poor Rach, now that her husband is a world champ I shudder to think what is going on in his inbox. Mrs Kolisi trended for close to three days when Twitter detectives decided that her husband's enthusiasm for meeting Miss SA was suspect.
She could not even talk about the troubles of travelling economy class without being accosted with other peoples imaginings.
I think the worst part about being a WAG is that fans just don't see you; your partner is a fantasy and your existence is getting in the way of the illusion of their availability.
People decide who is perfect for your partner, judge you for being a person with feelings and then blame you for his/her poor performance.
Yes, the scrutiny the First Couple of rugby is under is not new. Our love for sports heroes will persist as a nation, indeed, the whole world over, but can we be mindful please?
With all that said, there have been very few moments when my dream of being a WAG have been revived, most notably after that Mapimpi try during the World Cup. Maybe if he looked my way I could delete all my social media accounts.
Dlomo is SowetanLIVE content producer
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