Simple tips for bra Mmusi's makeover

Kwanele Ndlovu Singles Lane
Mmusi Maimane will have to embark on a redirection of his life plan now that he is outside the DA. /SANDILE NDLOVU
Mmusi Maimane will have to embark on a redirection of his life plan now that he is outside the DA. /SANDILE NDLOVU

I am no political analyst. I would not dare venture into theories around the interpretation of Mmusi's rude awakening to the fact the DA is not "the vehicle best suited to take forward the vision of building one South Africa for all".

Hey, I have carried 60 boxes of tiles in an Uno and had to pick up half of the exhaust pipe from the road about 10km into the trip. So, at the least I can relate to his ordeal.

It is only natural that the brother will embark on a redirection of his life plan now that he is outside the DA.

He still sees himself as a son of Soweto and has promised that he will be visiting our homes and will continue serving our beloved country.

So, Mmusi my bra, here are a few tips on how to reposition yourself as a son of the soil.

Firstly, you do not have to move back to Soweto. At your level of success, it is sufficient to regularly visit on Sundays and catch up with the guys base roundini. Just remember to always bring coins for the neighbourhood smokers who greet you. And if Markus lets you keep the Fortuner, then the car wash is your best bet for cementing your street cred. Don't take the wife there, though, no body wants to play interpreter while amajita are reminiscing about the old days when you still went to the spaza barefoot!

Also, I know it might be tricky trying to vent to the missus about the commonalities of nonracialism and the diversity clause, and the fact that the emancipation of black people is not the enslavement of white people. But don't despair, my brother. At the car wash nobody will judge you if ever you feel like blurting out a "Yeyi! Abelungu!" mid-conversation.

Do not worry about what to do with all those Mandela shirts. It is weddings galore ekasi these coming four months. And with the latest trend being a "traditional wedding" on day two of nuptials, you can wear a different shirt to a wedding every weekend.

Just make sure that the missus has a dress that bears similar colours if you take her along as your plus-one.

As for all the public speaking training Helen put you through and the Obama accent - worry not. You can still employ your clever black charms every Sunday, my brother. See, I went to a girls' high school and have a deep nasal English accent myself - well, I shelved it when I discovered Azanian feminism and grew an Afro and now spell Africa with a 'k' - and I know the feeling of pronouncing "asterisk" correctly.

And I can assure you that your kids will always feel welcome ekasi, and identify as sons and daughters of the great community of Soweto.

Luckily, they will not even struggle with identity politics. The worst they will endure is being called yellow bones, or being accused of bleaching ke, and maybe some jealous neighbour's kid telling them they are not beautiful, they are just light skinned - ask Khanyi Mbau. Other than that, worry not, bro, they will not even have to learn the vernacular.

Lastly, if it is any consolation, your contribution to our political history left an indelible mark on the born-frees and everyone who does not see colour. Your romance with the Fighters, and freeing the Western Cape, will always haunt uKhongolose. Your blue blood, revival of the Mandela ethics, all the grassroots campaigning and the battles you fought against Helen... honestly, you can say you are a Struggle hero!

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