Jacob Zuma has finally appeared before the Zondo Commission. To be frank, the whole week was a waste of time. Zuma went to the commission with a two-pronged strategy: play victim and claim not to know or remember anything.

The victim part of his strategy was woven around a pseudo-intelligence conspiracy theory. As the ANC's former intelligence chief, Zuma calculated that most people would believe whatever he said about intelligence. The conspiracy theory is one of "three intelligence organisations" working for many years to bring innocent Zuma down.

Everyone and anyone who ever said or wrote anything negative about Zuma fits perfectly in the grand satanic plan to sabotage the man from Nkandla. If you are Redi Tlhabi, and you happen to be fascinated by Zuma's rape case, you become the ideal agent in the man's pseudo-intelligence conspiracy theory.

If you are Thuli Madonsela, and you happen to write a "State of Capture" or "Secure in Comfort" report, you become the right candidate of Zuma's dark forces.

If you are Jacque Pauw, and you happen to write a book, you become the perfect tool for those working to soil the good name of the innocent man from Nkandla.

The victim conspiracy theory also entangles Zuma's children. Not only have the dark forces been trying to bring Zuma down; they apparently have been working hard to destroy his children too.

Let us state it categorically - this is all nonsensical smoke and mirrors. None of Zuma's pseudo-intelligence hocus pocus exists.

How do we prove that someone has been trying to kill Zuma, or that Zuma is not the one who organised someone to call his own PA to "tell Zuma that we will kill him and his children"?

Zuma knows that the average Joe in KwaZulu-Natal watching television will not ask questions when their Msholozi says: "Last night between 7 and 8 someone called my PA."

The unthinking ruralitarian reaction there is almost predictable: "Mayibaboooo!"

When you bring in children, the dramatic effect intensifies - even though the lies are obvious. If anyone were to conduct a family audit, it is unimaginable that there would be a single child from Zuma's mass choir who got poorer after their father became president.

Zuma's parental formula has been to tell his jobless children to "go to Durban". The children who listened to their presidential father returned to Johannesburg very rich.

The fact is simple: Khulubuse Zuma's stomach ballooned further when his uncle was president, and Duduzane became a millionaire after his father became president.

If this is what it means to be victimised, many of us would be happy to be victims.

The other fact is that you and I cannot prove that Ngoako Ramatlhodi, or Jacob Zuma for that matter, was or was not a spy. Read The Communistisation of the ANC by Gerard Ludi, and you will realise that Zuma himself may very well have been an apartheid spy.

We can conclude, therefore, that everything that Zuma said in his opening harangue at the Zondo commission is nothing more than a heap of nonsense.

Then followed his "I don't remember" component of his strategy. It all left us with the impression that, during Zuma's term, SA had no president. He was either asleep or his ministers did as they wished. For a whole week, Zuma treated the SA public and the Zondo Commission as if we are all a bunch of idiots.

Fortunately, it is Zuma himself who is the idiot.