Slipping on a banana peel

Vera apologises for going AWOL over the past two weeks. But you have to have Hlaudi Motsoeneng's liver to be able to come to work after your favourite team has embarrassed you by losing a cup final against an amateur team with a name that's similar to that of Mzekezeke's music company called TS Records.

So, darlings, after the eThekwini calamity, Vera decided to stay longer in the Banana City with the hope that by the time she comes back all the Deputy Champions would have long forgotten about that night.

Not quite cricket

The Moses Mabhida disaster had affected Vera so badly that she quit football all together and signed up as a cricket fan.

She still can't tell her batsman from her bowler, but at least she knows that there is currently a World Cup and that, if you are from Mandelaland, you have got to support a team called the Proteas.

Which is what she has been doing all week. But she became suspicious when the team lost each and every game they played this week.

She can't vouch for it, but Vera's sources say the Proteas we've been seeing on television are actually players of some team from Phefeni who are in hiding in England, disguised as the cricket national team.

Sporting chance

Ordinarily, Vera would have, by now, called on the sports minister to investigate this. But it turns out the president has gone and appointed one Nathi Mthethwa as a sports minister. Now anyone who remembers Bra Nathi during his time in the police portfolio would know that he has no detective skills.

Well, at least we would now see more of the minister - not just at funerals like was the case when his portfolio was only arts and culture.

Flesh and blood on the floor

Speaking of the cabinet, kanti what kind of a sbali is McBuffalo? Throughout the election campaign he did not whisper, not even once, to his brother-in-law that he thought it was time for him to retire after having been in the executive for 25 years?

Vera can only imagine how things went the day Sbali Cyril called Sbali Jeff from Mahlamba Ndlopfu. Thami must have thought he was going to be informed officially that he was now the country's fourth most powerful cabinet member as international relations minister. Instead, the McBuffalo told him he was dropping him so he had space for Aunty Pat in the new executive.

With family like this, who needs enemies?

Ace in the hole - not

Maybe what McBuffalo should do is to Thuma his sbali to Luthuli House where he can work as a minder for maverick secretary-general Ace Magashule. Phela, left to his own devices, Ace is gonna have us picking the rand down there in that dark hole where currencies such as the Zimbabwean dollar and Mozambican metical are at.

Vera has to agree with Pastor Maimane's party on this one, Ace should not be allowed on any public platform to pronounce words like "Reserve Bank", "quantitative easing" or even "economy".

In fact, before he issues any press release, Sbali's job should be that of sending SMSes to the SG saying: "s.t.a.t.e.m.e.n.t is requested".

Numbers don't lie

So the Guptas were in the news again this week following the testimony of one of their former editors before the Zondo commission.

That family really never took us seriously as South Africans. There we were calling their bosom friend our Number 1. Meanwhile, they had long decided to call him Number 9, probably because in the family's rankings he came after Ajay, Atul, Rajesh and five others.