Scourge of political sangomas
Shu, it is finally here - election day. We will soon be free of all these talking heads invading our TV screens on an hourly basis and spewing hot air.
It has become fashionable in this country to take a dig at "fake prophets" (Vera has never actually met or heard of a real one outside of those who lived in Biblical times) and the booming faith industry.
But very few ever comment about an equally fake industry of political sangomas who are politely referred to as political analysts.
These are the people who would have you believe that they can predict the outcome of elections long before voters start queueing at polling stations.
It's a sham industry that is no different from those pastors who claim to resurrect the dead.
Ground Buffalo?
There was this "political analyst" the other day who exhausted his TV airtime slamming McBuffalo for flying out of the country to attend an African Union troika meeting with the presidents of Egypt and one other country just two weeks before the elections.
According to this gentleman, the election period should mean that a president is grounded - unable to represent his country internationally. Give us a break!
Your guess as good as mine
The favourite game of every political sangoma and their journalist friend in this election is to guess who is going to go into a political coalition with which other party. Vera's head is actually spinning from all the scenarios being painted - from Thuma Mina roping Juju into the cabinet in return for the EFF's support for an ANC-led government in Gauteng, to the Red Berets teaming up with the Blue Wave to make Solly Msimanga take over from David Makhura in Gauteng. It makes a girl like Vera want to scream: "STOP IT!
And just admit that you all don't know what will happen."
After all, the power is in the hands of voters now.
Promises and lies
The political sangomas aren't the only ones in the business of faking it. Our politicians are in the game too. Theirs, however, is to sell voters false promises.
If it is not Thuma Mina promising a million houses to Alex, it is ATM's Mzwanele Manyi telling his Facebook followers that he is already putting together a list of cabinet ministers (even though it is still doubtful if his party will get more than one seat in parliament).
If not that, it is the Commander-in-Chief of the Red Berets promising to send the whole of Luthuli House to prison for Bosasa, but saying nothing about sending the VBS looters to jail too.
Struggling to cope
And then there is a Congress of (some) People in Limpopo that keeps on telling everyone that it will take better care of our finances and grow the economy when, actually, it only has R19,000 in its bank account.
Has this Cat run out of lives?
Vera knows that, as election day draws closer, current members of the cabinet start worrying about whether the president will return them to office or not after his inauguration.
But she didn't expect that this time, one of those who would be so worried would be The Cat himself, DD Mabuza.
The man seems so unsure of his future in Thuma Mina's cabinet that this week he told a May Day rally, unprovoked, that he will "defend the president" against those in the ANC who want to unseat him from power.
DD must be careful. The last deputy president who suddenly and publicly pledged allegiance to his boss without being prompted by anyone, ended up being fired from office. Eh-he baba, ngikhuluma ngawe, hehe hehe!
Fake prophets not the only sham industry at poll time
Scourge of political sangomas
Shu, it is finally here - election day. We will soon be free of all these talking heads invading our TV screens on an hourly basis and spewing hot air.
It has become fashionable in this country to take a dig at "fake prophets" (Vera has never actually met or heard of a real one outside of those who lived in Biblical times) and the booming faith industry.
But very few ever comment about an equally fake industry of political sangomas who are politely referred to as political analysts.
These are the people who would have you believe that they can predict the outcome of elections long before voters start queueing at polling stations.
It's a sham industry that is no different from those pastors who claim to resurrect the dead.
Ground Buffalo?
There was this "political analyst" the other day who exhausted his TV airtime slamming McBuffalo for flying out of the country to attend an African Union troika meeting with the presidents of Egypt and one other country just two weeks before the elections.
According to this gentleman, the election period should mean that a president is grounded - unable to represent his country internationally. Give us a break!
Your guess as good as mine
The favourite game of every political sangoma and their journalist friend in this election is to guess who is going to go into a political coalition with which other party. Vera's head is actually spinning from all the scenarios being painted - from Thuma Mina roping Juju into the cabinet in return for the EFF's support for an ANC-led government in Gauteng, to the Red Berets teaming up with the Blue Wave to make Solly Msimanga take over from David Makhura in Gauteng. It makes a girl like Vera want to scream: "STOP IT!
And just admit that you all don't know what will happen."
After all, the power is in the hands of voters now.
Promises and lies
The political sangomas aren't the only ones in the business of faking it. Our politicians are in the game too. Theirs, however, is to sell voters false promises.
If it is not Thuma Mina promising a million houses to Alex, it is ATM's Mzwanele Manyi telling his Facebook followers that he is already putting together a list of cabinet ministers (even though it is still doubtful if his party will get more than one seat in parliament).
If not that, it is the Commander-in-Chief of the Red Berets promising to send the whole of Luthuli House to prison for Bosasa, but saying nothing about sending the VBS looters to jail too.
Struggling to cope
And then there is a Congress of (some) People in Limpopo that keeps on telling everyone that it will take better care of our finances and grow the economy when, actually, it only has R19,000 in its bank account.
Has this Cat run out of lives?
Vera knows that, as election day draws closer, current members of the cabinet start worrying about whether the president will return them to office or not after his inauguration.
But she didn't expect that this time, one of those who would be so worried would be The Cat himself, DD Mabuza.
The man seems so unsure of his future in Thuma Mina's cabinet that this week he told a May Day rally, unprovoked, that he will "defend the president" against those in the ANC who want to unseat him from power.
DD must be careful. The last deputy president who suddenly and publicly pledged allegiance to his boss without being prompted by anyone, ended up being fired from office. Eh-he baba, ngikhuluma ngawe, hehe hehe!