I need to regain my inner strength

SINCE I was diagnosed with diabetes I have been dogged by a frustrating episode of ill health.

SINCE I was diagnosed with diabetes I have been dogged by a frustrating episode of ill health.

For two weeks I was partially blind and needed immediate attention from an ophthalmologist, who kept on assuring me that my sight would be restored.

"Patience, patience Mazibuko," he said in one of his text messages.

Then it was a continuous bout of the flu that seemed to go on forever.

According to strict medical advice, I had to rest as much as I could. But it turns out that the acute depression that struck me a couple of months ago had returned.

At one of my meetings with Dr Pupuma, I just broke down and cried without much provocation. My inner strength and my resilience crumbled.

Perhaps I am not as strong as I think I am, I thought to myself.

After spending a week at Parklane Clinic my diabetic reading was still running amok. The insulin injection I take twice a day did not seem to be making a dent on this chronic illness.

I am grappling with the huge changes to my lifestyle and my nutritional intake that includes avoiding some of my favourite food and drinks.

On the other hand, I was receiving calls from my medical aid reminding me of my imminent HIV test that was almost overdue. It will expire if I don't do those blood tests as a matter of urgency.

After living with HIV for 20 years I must admit that this will probably rate as the toughest test I have ever experienced.

For the first time in my life, despite being on the oxygen mask three times and daring God to take me, I did not want to die. I am not ready to quit yet, I still have much to accomplish for my children, my family, my people, my country and, most importantly, for myself.

These are trying times and I appeal to each and everyone whose lives I have touched positively and whose expectations are unending, to grant me the space, the peace and room to recover fully.

There are major decisions I have to make, most of which have to do with my emotional and spiritual wellbeing and, of course, my future. Allow me, for a change, to be free-spirited and to find inner peace and hopefully regain my strength, my laughter, my positiveness and usefulness.