Two-timers are real bitches

WOMEN are bitches, okay?

Let me give it to you straight up: a woman nowadays doesn't just dump - unless she's gatvol - without having a back-up man.

There's always someone on stand-by. Interestingly, that's how we, the so-called dogs, operate.

So we can safely deduct that the reaction to being dumped has adopted a common denominator for both species: To have a floozy or 'roll on' on the side, either for the fun of it or for warmth when the cold sets in.

And it's not surprising that you, callous dumper, would secretly date a brother to ascertain if he meets your "criteria".

Was that a 'no'? Once the two of you kiss or make out you feel guilty and ask your boyfriend for "a break" as you need "some space" to get "in touch with my inner self". Inner self, my hairy paw.

But kissing, not to mention sex, is in itself cheating of the highest order.

Interestingly, if the about-to-be-ousted beau suspects that you're seeing someone else, you start telling half-truths or choose the "safe" route of introducing your closet Romeo to the poor man as a "friend".

Moreover, you make a habit of dropping the bastard's name out of the blue, thinking you're clever.

Predictably, you dump your long-time sweetheart citing infantile reasons: 'I don't feel this anymore. We're too different. We've grown apart. You're a nice, sensitive, caring man. you'll find someone else. someone who'll love you the way you deserve to be loved.' Talk to the hand, will you?

My dictionary describes a "bitch" as "a malicious, spiteful, or course woman".

But what heinous crime did the oke commit to deserve such bitchy treatment?

And you have the audacity to compliment him for his sensitivity? How insensitive! If you got rid of your man this way, that was, undoubtedly, bitchy of you.

Might I add that if you're "doing" two guys as we speak, and only you (and your few friends) are aware of this double-crossing, and if you've given your contact details (cellphone, work, home or buddy's number, including e-mail) to a complete stranger or old flame when your man was either absent or not paying attention, be it at a club, mall or wherever, repeat this after me: "I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch."

And should your answer to this nonchalant negligence with your contact details be a question, "What if the guy just wanted to be friends?", you're not only a bitch but, regrettably, a blonde one. Friends, my drooling tongue.

I hope I won't repeat this again: There's no single man in this whole wide world - unless he's out-and-out gay - who would approach you and stick around knowing you're in a relationship, just to be "friends".

He wants something from you and we're both cocksure what it is. If you're still on the "friends" tip, pay the toothed one a surprise visit at his kennel and perform a strip show for him and watch his saliva literally drop from the gaping mouth to the floor while his tongue and tail wag frivolously with resuscitated vigour.

Yep, you've trespassed into canine country. Welcome. Any prosecution meted out to you at this point in time, you've personally brought on yourself. Why are you prancing naked in the doghouse in the first place?

So whatever sincere demeanour you assume the dog to be depicting, particularly in this case, 99percent of the time it's unadulterated, well-rehearsed false pretence.

Ultimately everything boils down to slurping your pleasure pudding. Ouch. Don't act astounded. What else do you expect from a coyote, blonde bitch?

Don't be offended - a bitch is a female version of a male dog. All it means is that you're smooching or sleeping with more than one partner.

For all I care you could be a lesbian and have affairs with two or more lady lovers. The bottom line is you're being unfaithful and you cannot be trusted to hold on to a lasting relationship.

Better be candid and tell your lover you don't love him no more - before you consider stealing romantic moments behind his back.

Or are you afraid of spending nights and weekends alone?

On the lighter side, the word "bitch" is now colloquial within modern black female cycles, thanks to African-American hip-hop-rap artists like Lil' Kim (I hope she's not your role model).

So, go ahead, call your "boo" a bitch. Surely she won't take offence - unless she's a real bitch in real life - so long as it's meant to be earnestly amusing.

Besides, you've muttered the word too many a time about a certain woman - your female boss, for instance - who can be such a "bitch" now and again. I feel you sister. I feel you. No, chill - I ain't gonna call you a bitch.

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