good news as RETROSEXUAL man returns

FOR the past few years, the streets have been invaded and ruled by the metrosexual guy. This is the person who cared more about his looks and feelings than abouty pleasing his woman.

Behold, I bring news of good tidings of the return of the long gone guy: the retrosexual! He is back thanks to the recession. Oh, how we missed him, the man who looks sideways and up in the air when metrosexuals gossip and boast about how much money they make and who they shagged last night.

This guy has no use for meaningless banter for the simple sake of conversation.

The onslaught of media propaganda against normal male pattern behaviour has left us to deal with sissies with woman-like hormones and moisturising dudes like Andile Ncube and Theo Kgosinkwe and their ilk.

According to Nosipho Maphanga, a trend watcher, the days of the metrosexual are over.

"Financial woes are forcing women to go back to basics, date men with a penchant for DIY, who are not bothered by how they look and men will pay the restaurant bill.

"Something of a resourceful guy like Riaan Venter, who won't waste money on spas and salons.

A guy you can call when your toilet bursts. The aggressive type whocan take control of the situation," she says.

The Retrosexual Manual: How To Be A Real Man, identifies a typical retrosexual guy as a manly man, an alpha male, the butch kind. Guys like Khaphela and Linda Sibiya come to mind.

Retrosexuality is defined by the following codes:

l He only sings when he's drunk;

lHe pretends to like the soapie Generations because he's hoping to screw a chick who talks about the soap all the time;

l He never looks at a girl who is under the legal age or dates his subordinates;

l His friends are all from marriage, primary school, high school or sports. He can't understand why people need to keep in touch with a million friends, make new friends or remember birthdays;

l No matter what the women insists, he pays for a date;

l Opens doors for a lady;

l Not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself;

l Does not use more hair or skin products than a woman;

l Watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title;

l Has at least one good wound that he can brag about;

l Knows how to use a basic set of tools;

l He will buy feminine hygiene products if he has to, but only under protest;

l Gives a lady his seat on the bus, stands up for women and old people on public transport, sits in the front seat of a taxi and will break your jaw if you touch him or a woman in his presence;

lHe does not text message anything other than directions and taunts to friends when their football team loses. He rings women to ask them out and turns the bloody thing off when he's not using it;

lA Retro opens doors for women, pays for dinner and will occasionally talk about his feelings. It helps if this is after sex, in the four minutes before he goes to sleep. He is rumoured to be a great shag;

lHe does not wear designer clothing (unless it is a really nice suit to impress a potential mate).

l Religion? None of your business;

lHe does not take advantage of lesser individuals simply because he can, but should he witness another attempting the same, he'll have little mercy on the said bully;

l He doesn't care if you agree with him or not. His opinion is not changed to suit the ears of the local audience;

l He does not care to be bothered with the annoying nuances of being politically correct;

l He is not ashamed of his body nor of the sounds and smells that might emanate from it;

l A Retrosexual man does not mind being alone. The company of others is pleasant, but not required;

l He can open his beer with a wide variety of tools, including his belt, and does so in less than 10 seconds;

l He understands sports. Not all sports, but all essential sports;

l He is personally responsible for all aspects of his life and doesn't seek to blame others for the wrongs and injustices in his life. He deals with them;

l He is in touch with his feelings and doesn't feel obliged to share them with some nosy female who wants him as her emotional companion.