THERE is a contract girls and guys should sign. It involves soccer, dozing off right after sex, keeping tabs on weight, humouring our lady friends and hogging television channels.

THERE is a contract girls and guys should sign. It involves soccer, dozing off right after sex, keeping tabs on weight, humouring our lady friends and hogging television channels.

Oh, and as agreement on who will buy the condoms and just how many times.

Hey, I did not ask for the rules and without specific parameters, some people would think that a tracksuit is perfect garb for funerals, so there.

It seems we were watching soccer again last night and some old spinsters were talking about their soccer studs (such gibberish should be left to high school girls). Then we started debating whether Toures is really that hot or whether it was only the money that turned him into such a rose-tinted vision.

"I think he looks. err ... okay."

What straight thinking guy would utter such nonsense. Only a girl is allowed to dish out positive comment on another guy's looks.

"Not!" he retaliated.

"If you agree that Bonang is such a hottie, then I can also comment on guys who look good," I said.

So, just to stir things up a bit more, I commented that newly appointed Shembe church leader Sizwe Shembe is a stud and you could run a chain saw on the tension that later followed.

That was until we browsed through the list of celebrity photos of those who graced Duduzile Zuma's 27th birthday party and Miriam Ngomani was smiling broadly and his heart skipped a beat.

That knocked me out. And it was a stolen punch, too. Never start a fight you cannot win.

So here's a list of things to refrain from saying if you want to keep him:

Are you really going to wear that?

Men have long ago admitted to being a bit clueless in the wardrobe stakes.

Those who think they might have it together would never really enter a competition for "The Best Dressed" accolade.

So don't send a poor guy's spirit plummeting by confirming it that you give a dog a better chance of winning.

My ex used to do that too.

Does he really remind you of your ex or are you just missing that man tonight? How would you like it if the tables were turned?

You left your ex for a reason and chances are very high that things have not changed from that end, so don't make the poor guy feel like the end is near for him too.

Before we go any further, I really am a man (jokingly).

There are some jokes that should not be cracked, especially not in these times. There are too many cross-dressers who look better than real woman and freaking a guy out with such jokes might send things south and spoil what could have been a great night (or day).

Must you always choose rubbish from the menu?

Okay, guys know they are more inclined towards junk food. But when he chooses this from the menu he believes that the menu compiler had put much thought into it for the customers' wellbeing.

It's not his fault that they still have ribs and steak and chips in what should have been a seafood restaurant. Give him a break. Going out means leaving the fighting gloves at home.

Why can't you fix things like my dad?

For the same reasons that you can't cook like his mom. He might also not to have the time to fix a geyser.

Besides, he sure makes better money than your dad so he might be able to fork out for the repairs.

And for the record, never ever try to compete with the guy's mother. He once lived inside her for nine months.

Did you read my column-letter to the editor-first book chapter?

One of the reasons you are still together is of course the intellectual synergy you share. If you were stupid or made no sense, I'm sure things would have gone kaput a few months ago already.

And if he has read it and remembers he will comment. If he doesn't, take it that he's forgotten and takes a chill pill.

Do you think she's pretty?

Of course she's pretty. All women are. Look, what does it matter if she is Mirriam Ngomani? What are the chances that she would give him her number?

Grow up!