Putting on appearances

IF YOU were a fly on my sister's bedroom wall, not only would you have her arrested for lying through her teeth with the sweet nothings she utters, your ideas of romance would be murdered.

IF YOU were a fly on my sister's bedroom wall, not only would you have her arrested for lying through her teeth with the sweet nothings she utters, your ideas of romance would be murdered.

But then if I were to follow some of you with a video camera, I'm sure I'd have to have an asthma spray nearby.

People just ain't what they seem. They put on appearances, hold hands and smile sweetly for the camera, then go home and sleep in separate bedrooms.

One famous couple, with a Bible under each arm, must have reached an agreement about how differently they behave in private. And they seem to have had their arrangement under wraps until they employed a nosy electrician to fix their security cameras.

The electrician explained how he and his co-workers arrived at the house. The wife did all the running around, brought them a torch, a size 15 and a star screwdriver before she ran and got them something to drink - since it was obvious that they would be there all day.

A closer inspection of the pool area revealed the husband clad in a white robe and dark shades, sipping a cool piña colada, without a care in the world. And this is the man who proposed to his wife on his elbows with tears in his eyes.

This said, it is the things that so-called perfect couples do that are the reason for their demise. This lovey-dovey, touchy-feely stuff is the number one reason why couples break up in the end.

"He used to call me all the time - and I'm a busy woman," said a friend once.

"She was too predictable, always updating me on the nature of her day every hour.

"That's harassment," said another.

But some think you shouldn't hold back from the partner you could very well end the rest of your life with.

My shrink asks: "If you exhaust the relationship with too much information - what is going to sustain the relationship in the years to follow?"

I vehemently agree. That I-love-you-I-love-you-more stuff is best left at high school.

After a while, hearing how the other person would perish without you really makes your skin crawl. And I doubt if people really want others telling them every day how lost they would be without their partner.

And it's not only women who do this. There are guys, such as Luther Vandross fans, that go over the top with love messages faster than they burn their muffins. They send e-mails, write poetry, send flowers, cook dinner and turn around and ask you just how hot you find their cars.

So, when the electrician said that the famous couple was disaster in the making, I have to review his statement. Maybe they had exchanged roles for a reason. And since they have been together for an eternity, they could be on to something.

As for me and mine, we're still standing.

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