Few marriages are made in heaven

My friend, the lead guitarist, nudged me to look at the groom at one of the recent weddings we performed at and I almost laughed in between the song.

My friend, the lead guitarist, nudged me to look at the groom at one of the recent weddings we performed at and I almost laughed in between the song.

Abomination! The groom was in tears and I sure as hell know those were not tears of joy. He was drenched in tears of regret like he never knew the day would finally arrive. Why do guys propose when they aren't ready? Or should I be asking, who put a time frame on the period of engagement?

Meanwhile, the bride, who should have assumed the role of the waterworks, was breaking a leg, dancing with men of her new family.

Her man on the other end even had a box of Kleenex in front of him and people just assumed he was overwhelmed.

Later on, after frequent visits and confessions to the barman who couldn't be bothered, he came to join the band and started talking about the things he will go to the grave harbouring.

"I also thought I would play in a band, travel the world or run the Comrades Marathon before settling down, but look at me now.," he lamented.

And he didn't look bad if you ignored the red eyes and the bride who formed the backdrop of his existence whenever he turned.

"Pull yourself together man, it's not that bad," said the guitarist. And it's true. Not all marriages are a work of the evil one. And frankly, I think I need to choose my friends with care because how the hell did we come to the conclusion that most marriages are a big façade?

No, I have made up my mind, some people's envy turns them into monsters because I know a number of people who are in wonderful marriages. I must just remember their names.

But seriously, there are marriages that are better than singing in a band.

"At least you have someone to relate this conversation to, when the band packs up to go. Some of us will get home, throw away the instruments and plunge into cold beds, or spend the night on porn sites," said the drummer.

My friend who is draining me with her negativity listened in utter disbelief as I shared the story with her.

"If marriage was that necessary, I'm sure Oprah would have gone down the aisle," she retaliated.

And this is the thing that makes me swallow air with otherwise intelligent people when they let their butts do the thinking. Oprah is not Jesus's sister. She lives on earth, has had her fair share of mind-peddling lives. She's done drugs, she's done the yo-yo diets (I hear this is worse than drugs to the mind in the long run), she had a stillborn baby, made money and lived to tell the tale.

All these mean that Oprah is a normal woman.

That she chooses not to get married doesn't render her a messenger from the other side on the topic of marriage.

What tarnished the very idea of holy matrimony? It's people like my friend, cheaters and Desperate Housewives' Bree Van De Kamp, and money. Imagine if my friend does get married, and she will, because all that ill talk comes from sheer envy of other people being so committed to each other they are ready to swear it in front of God and the world.

If she gets married, she's going to smile sweetly as she walks down the aisle, looking at her peers like there's something wrong with them.

The novelty will wear off and then she is going to be her old bitter self and the husband might be swayed by other smiling swans from the crowd that witnessed their wedding day.

My mom says it's people who wait until they are rather long in the tooth who spoil things for others.

"When people get married at a young age, they grow up in a marriage and are highly unlikely to chase after things they don't know."

I think she thinks we are talking about the fax generation.

But the Mixit crowd shouldn't even bother. So to be on the safe side, let's talk about normal people of my age. Yes I am normal, got a problem with that?

Cheaters are another cancer to the holy union. Nothing undermines a relationship more than indiscretion. Imagine what it can do to a marriage. No need to imagine it of course, most people have witnessed it first hand. But just like death, it still hurts.

The likes of Bree Van De Kamp are to blame because they make marriage look worse than digging gold in a coal mine. Like I said, I'm all for marriage, but it turns my stomach when I see wives following their spouses with smiling eyes even as they go to the loo, even as they iron their white shirts.

This smiling Bettina thing is done even when there is nothing to delight. These are women who will willingly flush the toilet for their husbands, keep their beers in the fridge at all times, bear them sons and daughters and keep their tummies tied to their backs without once remembering their mothers' birthdays. These characters make some of us rebel at the very institution.

But the most evil of all reasons behind bad marriages and spousal slayings is money. Priests should rather skip the line about for richer, for poorer.

So far, in my entire life, I know just one couple who have stuck it out in times of poverty and they both look like they are in their 50s even though they are only pushing 30.

So when the groom finally let it out that more than his not being able to join a band or travel the world, he cried more for his money.

"I have to pay you guys, for this venue, for the honeymoon, catering, everything and everyone."

See there's nothing wrong with marriage, it's the wedding that spoils things.