Puppy love is a recipe for complete disaster

My childhood. Oh, my childhood. I remember that time as if it happened yesterday.

My childhood. Oh, my childhood. I remember that time as if it happened yesterday.

First the big issue was the breasts that refused to grow, no matter how many dangerous chemicals I rubbed on my chest. Most of them just left me with a smoker's cough.

I put my granny's precious roll of wool on my chest and people saw right through me. You'd think they had nothing better to do, always pointing me out in a crowd of kids to share the joke I had become just because I wore maroon mascara.

Yes, I was always the nuisance who was not only an old soul, but a subject that must have stuck in Rita Coolidge's head when she wrote: So give her a home, Or leave her alone, The lady's not for sale.

Okay, maybe not in such a melancholic state of mind but, yes, I was one of those kids who saw their precious lives passing them by at the speed of lighting.

So when one day my older cousins were lamenting the state of their relationships, all I kept thinking was: "It's a hoot. Some of us are trying to get boyfriends and you are busy talking about how pointless relationships are!"

I was bored to death waiting, just waiting to turn 21. And my mom, being her pushy self, said 21 and not a day sooner. My life was going to be a long stretching misery for sure.

So I figured out I would just chill in the background and wait for 21.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, says when she was nine all she kept thinking about was that life would change and with each passing day she would think: "Another one gone."

This must have been around the time when I was turning 12 and always thinking: "Another year gone and not a boyfriend to show for it."

They say most kids think this way and I believe them, but it's torture. Some kids are such relationship old souls that I sometimes think we should just let them be.

But when you consider our own burnt fingers, you are sometimes left saying: "I don't wish this on my worst enemy", and here are the reasons why puppy love is a recipe for disaster.

lAs a young girl you have to know yourself before you can work on a relationship. I doubt if Juliet knew what she was doing when she put that sword in her chest when she had so much to live for.

lBoys never get to miss school when they get pregnant and there is nothing worse than having a child with an estranged lover you might learn is not only a gorilla, but grows up to be a Generations' Kabelo.

lLove is expensive. This is the reason why high school lovebirds end up working for Makro. Someone has to sponsor it or it will die a fast death.

lOne relative or another is not going to be happy knowing you could be throwing your life away. They will fuss and fight and paint Romeo or Juliet in a bad light.

And since elders have been here for about 25 years longer than us, what are the chances they are wrong?

lSomething happens that is fluid. One minute you wonder if you got here of your own accord or if someone declared Armageddon itself if the other had something as natural as a change of heart.

lHearts change. Never ever commit unless you know for sure your stomach will not turn at the sight of him/her after 14 years.

Which takes us back to point four. You never know the curves of the road until you have travelled it. And by travelling, you might learn the hard way that sometimes lust does a good job masquerading as love.

lSome people cannot be trusted and when the chips are down you had better have an education to see you through.

Did I say education? I meant money and that only comes with an education. So yes, I'm right again. You do need credentials to help you cope when things come to a screeching halt. And trust me, sometimes they do.

lWhen you are both young you are oblivious of the possibilities and therefore might choose to ignore the voice of wisdom until you find yourself with cracked heels and snotty brats following you.

lSometimes it's just nice to know you are a free agent keeping all options open because the possibilities are endless, even if you wind up choosing the most retarded of them all.

lSome people never grow up and your lover, bless him/her might come across as one wise owl, but when you meet other people she/he might just lose the debate dismally. Unless you can hide him/her in an invisible closet, you could be carrying a lifetime burden.

lThe reason women reach menopause at 50 and men not at all, is proof enough that there is no stopping relationships.

So why waste it on one person who might turn around and divorce you, costing you a fortune in the process?

So these days, like Oprah on Stedman, I lend a deaf ear to marriage suggestions.

I love Citizen X with all my heart. Ask me to relive my life and choose as I please, he would be my number one tsotsi, but hey, I'm weighing my odds with care and I love every second because I cannot believe my cousin.

She wore his wedding band in high school and at the tender age of 23, she is studying the settlement along with her volumes of computer books.

I would rather be watching a movie.