A real man is all she wants

I was almost stoned to death recently. My crime? Announcing for all and sundry to hear that from now on I wanted a real man.

It seems that I possessed a magnet for lady boys until I got sick of it. My ex dress wearers came out of the woodwork with guns blazing, exchanging cigars. It might as well have been a conference.

Had they not shagged me well? Did they not give me money? Have I considered that I might not have been woman enough?

And there lies both the problem and solution. Right there. It's not about sex, it's not about money and, hell no, it's not me: it's them.

Men don't listen, and so they may never learn. I take it then that what makes a man is going to be the discussion of the century.

And while everyone is asking what exactly being a man means, I'll go with what being a woman means and hope men take the cue.

I'll even break it up into smaller pieces for everyone to digest. How about that?

First of all, no one gives lessons on being a woman. We just learn quicker and execute it with the finesse only women posses. Citizen X calls it the craft.

From when we were 10-year-olds with big teeth and black knees, we watched with an unwavering eye how our female teachers stole the show during the Miss Ellerines pageant. Ever seen how little girls give instructions their undivided attention?

It's an acquired skill and the reason why my other girl boy once remarked: "The one thing I love about you is that you don't listen to hear, you listen to understand."

Bless him. But had he learnt to be like me, he would have noticed that South Africa is bursting at the seams with women who listen like me. They just want to listen to sense.

On the other hand men, being themselves, will not check out the instructions until the thing is broken. Try and bring in a real man to rectify the situation and earn tantrums or the silent treatment. That is beyond gay.

Meanwhile, though Miss Sukude from Standard 5B didn't quite know the difference between trendy and trashy, my friend Julia and I have adopted the positive traits that gave her an advantage and they are working for us both even today.

So do we want the alpha male type? I hear many a man still asking.

Again, muscles have very little to do with it. It's being able to step up and take control of various situations. It's refusing to be devastated and working on plan B when things go off the rails.

It's holding your woman closer when she loses her marbles and not running away. Being man enough is being the one with a composed mind in times of turbulence.

He makes sure there is laughter to elate his mate when his money won't take him far.

What kind of adults were men watching growing up because my step-dad knows these things.

He cooks when he knows he's broken a promise. He carried me on his shoulders when my Standard 2 results deserved a present he didn't have.

But girl boys would rather get drunk and wait in bed than pick up their fat brides to the first bedroom around the corner. Now that, by anyone's standards, is a thing of feminism.

There's a difference between mind games and using your head and I ain't teaching one bloke how to do it.

I'm going to paste labels until everyone starts acting as if they know the difference. PS ... that goes for women too.

Sometimes we have to hand over the reins and let our men be.