I'm turning 30 shortly and have a fetish for women older than I am.
Is that a crime?
Of course not. At least not in my book.
You see, some liberated senior matrons thirst for the flowing juices of a youthful touch and a diabetes-free joystick.
I revel in the quality of composed conversations, memorable companionship and the mind-blowing sex that older hands offer in return.
I know there are those who are positioning themselves on their moral high horses to curse me.
In my circles, older dames are tagged veterans. This is because of the respect we have for them and the fact that they have vast experience on matters relating to sex and relationships.
Let me tell you how and why I'm entangled in that wonderful web of older lasses.
It all started in 1996 with a 30-year-old who lived near my parents' home.
I was 18 at the time and as always, found my temperature rising every time time I saw a veteran who appealed to me.
She called me "Small" and that alone was a catalyst, fuelling my desire to display to her that I was bigger in many departments and was capable of making her moan uncontrollably with excitement.
With my joystick, I could send her to a world of total bliss and bring her back to earth and, once she touched down, I would launch her back to heaven.
Unfortunately, our little thing only lasted for a while, but I learnt a lot from that first encounter.
I discovered that assumptions, coupled with fallacies and deception, were the reasons males and females often ended up at each others' throats.
For example, the 30-year-old who broke my virginity only wanted to have sex with me. She never intended to make me her boyfriend which, in my naivete, I assumed I was.
I dug up this fact after I saw her billing and cooing with a fella who could have been the same age as my father, who was 45 at the time. You can imagine my uncontrollable youthful rile.
When I confronted her, she told me in a clear and polite voice that we never spoke about being lovers.
"Come on baby, we were just having fun, yehlis' i oil (relax)," she said.
That really hurt and outplayed me.
It took about two weeks of sobering analysis to fully grasp what she meant by having fun. We were sex partners, with no strings attached.
It dawned on me that we assume that all women want to be attached to a fella. This assumption results in many males artfully manufacturing all sorts of lies about how they love so and so, when the truth is that they just want women to spread their legs for them.
Anyway, my first encounter with an older woman got me hooked forever. The past decade that I have shared with veterans has taught me that they are sensible and lovely people to be around.
They would rather you tell them your real intentions, instead of a lie about nonexistent love.
With self-reliant and proud veterans, there are no unnecessary scenes, no bitching, no moaning, no cheap emotional blackmail or manipulating tricks. There is no expectation of perfection or practising gold-digging skills.
The simple rule is: play the game fairly, and honestly.
And oh, a big plus is that self-loving veterans will never ask you for rent money or any other disguised sponsorship fee.
All a veteran wants is you.
By now you know that I would go for a vet if I were asked to choose between an old hand and a girl in her 20s.
You see, the problem with the younger-female species is that they crave too much attention and that irritates. They like to attach themselves too firmly to a man and when allowed to do so, they begin to feel like chewing gum rebelliously clinging to your woolly hair.
But vets, especially the returned soldiers (divorcees), want to enjoy their space and let you have fun with your mates when you need to. All they need is respect and honesty.
Key to the vets, especially returned soldiers, is the celebration of their freedom from the slavery of unions where they had to report all their movements, deal with curfews, lies and to a certain degree, mother a grown-ass adult.
I'm having the time of my life with older women and would marry one if the need arose.