Lessons from our Moz sisters
The word in the corporate sector is that sex sells. But if you ask a group of self-appointed Mozambican hands-on sexologists to be honest, they say South African women will do anything in the sack to keep their men. They might add that for them, this has translated into a fortune.
But Sinyora and her friends say they are merely passing on the skill so that South African women are not left behind. If you believe in generosity that crosses borders, you are as gullible as Bush's boys in Iraq.
If we buy their story, they might give former porn star-turned- author Annie Sprinkle who wrote Spectacular Sex, a run for her millions.
At the tutorial place, a R3,5million home of a BEE female honcho, we are welcomed with a glass of sherry, no candles, no scents, no music.
The girls arrive. Four of them - lean and smiling and ready for any questions before we begin. The nine women, five who are mothers, are jittery.
The first diagnosis is our weight. South African women are too fat for "heart stopping eye squinting, mind-blowing sex". But someone like Alice who comes from Chimoio in central Mozambique where the nearest water well is about 23km from her homestead, will always be on the other side of fat. Her friend Sarafina used to sell fish in Beira and said she first saw a full bottle of sealed cooking oil the day she arrived in Joni - Johannesburg - in 2004.
"Sex should be a blast not just pleasant," says Alice, who looks like she has had adequate practice and glory judging by the scratches and scars on her upper back and parts of her lithe body.
The other problem is that we keep our nests too warm with tight pants and jeans.
"When lounging at home, all you need is a kanga and nothing underneath," says Alice. How about some baby oil? Somehow I don't think this can affect women's performance. I decide to dump my prejudice.
Problem number three, we have stiff waists. Maybe.
"The objective is to improve the situation. So let's start with your own diagnosis. What does everyone feel they need to improve on?"
I say I think I'm a self-centred partner. My 55-year-old fellow stiff-waisted whale is my opposite and foregoes her own pleasure to please her husband of 35 years. And I thought 55 was the age of the rut.
When we get to loosening the waist and trying to make it a habit, I see the BEE hostess in despair. Her big waist and bosom won't let her spin her wares. Sinyora couches her and laughs like she has never seen anything funnier. When fatso takes offence, Sinyora tells her we take sex too seriously.
"The bedroom should also be a place of laughter. I don't know if you believe in the power of the aura, but where you have sex should not be a place of afflictions," Sinyora says.
This is but the first of four tutorials on mind-blowing sex. The aim is to change attitudes, they say. My question which goes unanswered though is if they are that good in bed, why are their men after our asses? And why do they stick like glue to their men? I also ask them about the legendary tattoos. Moza women are brilliant in bed, especially those with tattoos on their bellies, people say. I ask my cousin who married one, to verify this.
He does. "Why do you think I married at such a tender age?"
Next week, at R200 a head, we delve deeper into the legend.