My sister has recently discovered that her husband has got another family in Limpopo. It looks like he has paid lobola for both women. He wants to call a family meeting with all the elders but my advice to her is that she must just leave the lying b****r. Am I too harsh?

Boitumelo replies:

It is always offensive when a partner makes serious lifetime decisions on another partner's behalf without their consent. A decision that may involve children, lifetime financial and emotional investments. A day when this partner is no longer alive, what a mess he would have left behind for other people to have to deal with. This makes him a selfish and inconsiderate person. Would you then want to continue investing in that kind of a person or future?

How did he also pay lobola to both women in the first place? Did the family allow him to pay lobola to both women without informing your sister?

How are they going to have her best interest at heart now if they didn't have the courtesy to involve or inform her then?

MOM replies:

Your sister is a victim of ambush polygamy. She may be hurting greatly at the moment. Please support her. Her judgment may also be clouded by feelings. Her husband has been very dishonest, however, it's her decision to stay or leave. Let her call the family meeting. Even if she will end up leaving, this is necessary for closure. 

Tshenkeng is a clinical psychologist, e-mail her on tumi.tshenkeng@gmail .com

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