The first time I had sex it was so sore, it put me off the act for years and I have been celibate since.

I met a wonderful man but freeze up whenever he tries to make love to me. I need help but am embarrassed about my problem.

Boitumelo replies:

It's okay to feel anxious. You have to give yourself a second chance, at least open yourself up again to a new adventure because now you are more mature and in control of your sexual pleasure.

You can communicate how you feel and what you would like so that your partner can know that he needs to be gentle and patient.

Ask that you take things slowly, making sure there is enough foreplay so you can be able to relax and get enough stimulation.

Give yourself the permission to be in that moment in order to let go of any thoughts holding you or taking you back to that unpleasant past.

MOM replies:

This depends on how old you are. If you are 18, you can wait it out and learn gradually. If you are 36, it would be better to see a psychologist or someone like that.

It would seem your problem is more psychological than physical.

You need to heal your past wounds first to be able to enjoy a lifetime of blissful sexual encounters. 

Tshenkeng is a clinical psychologist, e-mail her on tumi.tshenkeng@gmail .com

Mahlobo is a seduction expert, e-mail her on mandisamahlobo@gmail.com