The family of my late hubby is against me dating again

Relationship advice from experts

I am 36 years old and have been a widow for five years now. I recently started dating and my family-in-law feels that I am being disrespectful by bringing a man into my home. They come any time into my home and want to have a say in who I must date as if I am a child or their property. I don't know what to do?

Boitumelo replies: It is understandable that they also lost a son and are trying to heal. It's unfair to put demands and expectations on you as if you are a child and can't think for yourself. It seems they don't think you have your whole life ahead of you, that you belong to them. How much longer must you pay your respects? When people don't know their boundaries you have to continually enforce them, sometimes even involving the law. Get a protection order if it comes to that level.

MOM replies: Dahlink, you were widowed at 31 years of age. Only a fool would expect you to remain without a man forever. This is your life and you only have one life to live. Don't waste the best years of your life listening to your past. The family of your dead husband has no authority over you.


I am 26 years old and pregnant. My boyfriend wants to pay lobola instead of just paying damages. He has no money and wants me to help him with the money for lobola, saying that we must just do the traditional ceremony. Am I wrong to say I don't want to give him money to marry me?

Boitumelo replies:The fact that you are questioning it suggests that you are uncomfortable about it. You've already decided you don't want to help him but you want someone to reassure you that you are making the right decision by saying no. Why is he in a rush to marry you now? Why does he want to marry you when he has not planned for it and has no money to do it? Perhaps he needs time to get his affairs in order.

MOM replies: Eish, this relationship is starting on a wrong financial footing. Ask yourself: if I give him money to marry me, who will give him money to buy me a house? Who will pay for the baby's needs? Who will pay for dates? Who will buy me a car and put petrol in it? Just because you are pregnant does not mean you must get married. It's 2016, having a baby out of wedlock is perfectly legal. He must come up with a financial plan all on his own.

 Tshenkeng is a qualified clinical psychologist. E-mail her on

Mahlobo is a seduction expert, relationship coach and author. E-mail:


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