In an audio clip circulated via WhatsApp recently, a driver lays down the rules about how passengers should behave in his car during the festive season.

The clip is one of those done by comedians to not only entertain but elicit debate. His rule book is full of impossible guidelines that passengers have to adhere to if they are to enjoy a ride in his car.

They must hold an umbrella to his head when he steps out of the car, give him first dibs on choosing the most beautiful girl they meet at parties before they can make a play for anyone, and provide bottomless alcohol bottles and food on call for the privilege to be his passengers.

Some rules though, bring us to the sober aspect of dealing with festive season off-loaders, often dressed up as respectable relatives or fun-loving friends.

We too need to come up with rules and regulations that do not make you sound like a snob.

This is to protect your privacy and grocery and liquor cupboard.

We all know of those relatives who drop their two children at our homes for a few days, only to come and fetch them in the second week of January before they go to school.

I had an aunt who had a very sneaky way of getting my other aunts to look after her brood of three during the holidays.

Knowing that it is definitely wrong to off-load the kids for someone else to care for, she would wait for a family function (and there are plenty of those to exploit) and come with the children, bags all packed.

In front of the kids she would pick the next victim and tell them that the children desperately want to visit them for two days.

In the meantime, my social butterfly aunt would be seen at all the stokvels and social clubs in the area, free of the responsibility of looking after her kids.

By the way, the brood would be thrust on you without even a loaf of bread so you would have to feed - and entertain - them.

When it comes to friends, it can start with those innocent festive season nights out and a request to put them up in your home because it is next to the pub and they don't want to drive home at night.

Three days later, the mooch has taken over your fridge, sofa and remote control.

Here is how to tell if you yourself are a festive season moocher:

You travel around with an empty two-litre ice-cream tub to be the first in line to ask for leftovers. In many families, some relatives actually don't have the decency to ask the host to be given the food. While you are busy working the room making sure guests are properly entertained, the off-loaders are dishing up scaftin food for themselves.

You walk around with a flash disk ready to download or duplicate everyone's music.

You choose the most expensive drink in the drinks cabinet and guzzle it at twice the speed of the host's. And, when the most expensive drink is finished, you proceed to the next drink and the next. You are basically a thathazonke (take everything) when it comes to alcohol you did not buy.

You visit for more than two nights, knowing full well that if this were a hotel you would have limited yourself to the weekender offer.

You don't know your boundaries, using the host's perfumes and hair products and take over the TV remote.

You do not help with the cleaning or general help around the house.

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