Many people tend to think that being a parent is a natural wish for everyone - that one is born with maternal or paternal instincts that come in handy when they become parents themselves.

Yet, there are millions of parents who may not have that parenting gene at all and for them, getting to grips with being parents wasn't a natural gravitation.

Yes, you can be a parent and not like kids much. You may provide for them and ensure their wellbeing and safety, but when it comes to frolicking in the park or reading bedtime stories and even acting out some of the fairytale characters, it's a notion that completely terrifies you.

Does this make you a bad parent? Can you force yourself to have the parenting gene?

Two psychologists help us understand this complex issue.

Nondumiso Mphambo is a clinical psychologist and psychology lecturer at the University of KwaZulu-Natal, and Lazuros Kgwete is an educational psychologist based in Gezina.

We started by asking why do some people lack the parenting gene.

Kgwete says that it may have a lot to do with one's genes.

"Though many parents are aware of the importance of being a good mother or good father, some people are just not motherly or fatherly, even though they may have kids."

The big question is why and how does this happen? Is this attributable to nature or nurture?

"Recent studies found that genes play a role in parental warmth, control and negativity towards children. This position emphasises that parenting is influenced by the personalities of both the parent and the child. Since human personality can be hereditary, therefore paternal or maternal instincts do have a 'nature' effect," Kgwete says, adding that the environment can also play a role in the lack of the parental gene in some people.

"The environment ['nurture'] plays a significant role in the development of paternal or maternal instincts.

"We should be aware that there are a number of factors which can compromise parents and the parenting process. These may include factors such as becoming a parent unexpectedly, socioeconomic and racial disempowerment, traumatic early relational experiences, parental death or absence, psychiatric or medical illness, and many others. All of these factors can impact on a child's social, emotional and cognitive development."

Mphambo notes that it is important to outline exactly what it means to have maternal or paternal instincts.

"The safe way to look at it would be viewing it as the ability of the mother or father to respond appropriately to the infant's physical and emotional needs. In the case where the mother or father is not in tune with the child, then the child is likely to feel anxious, ambivalent about connecting with others in fear that connecting might lead to rejection. They then grow up either being detached emotionally in their relations with others or avoiding any connection with the world as a protective factor from anticipated rejection."

Mphambo lists factors that could cause some parents to lack the parenting gene.

- If the situation at home does not allow the primary caregiver to have that quality time with the child, it may disrupt the bonding relationship.

- If the primary caregiver is preoccupied with issues of survival like working most of the time, or frustrated by work issues, the child may feel emotionally deprived.

- If a parent has a pre-existing psychological illness, she or he may also find it difficult to connect with a child who is perceived as emotionally demanding.

- Past traumatic experiences. If a parent has had traumatic experiences in any way, be it abuse, loss and so on, the arrival of a newborn may trigger all those memories, leading to depression or a total disconnection with the new infant.

Tips on how to be a better parent

TIPS from experts on how to develop the parenting gene:

- Understand that it is a new experience, even if this is not your first child. Every child is unique and has their own personality.

- You are bound to make mistakes, it is not a train smash. Calm down and find a way to do things differently until you get it right.

Children are forgiving, so don't beat yourself up if you didn't get it right the first time.

- It is okay to feel tired and needing help from others at times, it doesn't mean you are weak or a bad parent.

- If you know you had a difficult childhood, please seek help before your child arrives.

- Read parenting books and magazines, and empower yourself as much as you can.

Find support groups in your area, they are always there to help you.

Enjoy, not endure, each moment. Seek help when unsure about things.

Educational psychologist Lazuros Kgwete says his tips are:

- Try to set aside time on a regular basis to do something fun with your child.

- Participate in parent education programmes.

- Be flexible to suggestions and open to change.

- Guide your child towards independence without being overprotective.

- Be the role model your children deserve and always tell the truth.

- Praise and reward good or desirable behaviour.

- Remember, there is no manual for raising children, we all rely on our own childhood experiences with our parents to raise our children. So, be patient with yourself and understand that parenting is not a marathon but a journey marked with uphills and valleys.