IT WAS a jaw dropper that sent shock waves across South Africa.

Shrien Dewani, who was on trial for the honeymoon murder of his wife, admitted to having had liaisons with gay escorts.

This, according to the prosecution, gave him a motive for wanting his wife out of the picture.

While Dewani has since been cleared of the murder charges, his late wife's family are allegedly looking to sue him for previously concealing his escapades with men.

This has brought the issue of bisexuality into the spotlight. Are there men out there who choose to be with a woman, but secretly rendezvous with men?

It can be a hard betrayal to get over, and can leave a lot of questions like "did my man suddenly decide to 'turn' gay?" and "did he know all along that he was gay, and if he did, why did he marry me?".

Jay Matlou, head trainer and health officer at OUT, a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) organisation, said it's not always so cut and dried , and that society has a lot to do with some men choosing to marry women despite their full knowledge of being gay.

"We still live in a homophobic and heterosexist society - where there is a strong assumption that everybody is and should be heterosexual," he said.

"That notion alone makes it difficult for some people to accept their sexual orientation, with fears of being discriminated [against] by their families and friends."

Matlou said while one cannot choose one's sexual orientation, different people discover and accept themselves at different stages.

"Unfortunately for those who discover that they are not heterosexual, life is a struggle that some, due to intense continued societal pressures, choose to marry a woman."

So does this make the betrayal of discovering that your significant other is gay less intense? Not at all, according to *Dipuo Mabaso, who says she would never forgive her ex for betraying her like that.

"We live in a very small community in Kagiso [on the West Rand], and everyone knows me as the woman whose ex left her for a man," she says.

"*David and I dated for three years, and we have a daughter, who is turning one soon. David was always a very outgoing person, and would socialise with everyone. So I did not bat an eyelid when he had gay friends."

Mabaso saysshe would hear stories from some of the gay friends that her ex had a gay lover, but she would laugh it off.

"I knew David was not gay. He had asked me to marry him, and was not at all effeminate. So I just laughed it all off as some gay guys can be very dramatic."

This all changed when her curiosity intensified, and she decided to ransack his phone.

"I couldn't go through his messages because there was a password block, but I found a collection of over 30 gay porn videos. I also found bookmarks to gay dating websites.

"I confronted him, and I was honestly expecting him to give me an excuse, or a reasonable explanation, but instead he dropped a bombshell; he told me he's gay."

She says what broke the camel's back was her fiance's admission to having a gay lover.

"He tried to explain himself, but I didn't want to hear it. I honestly hate him so much.

"The pain of knowing my man likes other guys was intense. I felt like I was not good enough. Worse, he chose to live this 'secret life'.

"I would get sick at the mere thought of him having sex with his lover, then coming home to have sex with me. I'm done with him, and I never want to hear from him again," she says, adding that she hoped to get sole custody of their daughter.

Her anger was clear throughout the interview.

Sowetan spoke to Potchefstroom therapist Meikie Nonyane about Mabaso' s situation. How does one move on?

"Being cheated on, period, can be a hard pill to swallow. But for most women who discover that their man cheated with another man, the notion of forgiveness is usually unheard of, because it goes deeper than mere cheating," she says.

Nonyane says that the first step to healing is realising that it's not all about you.

"When someone cheats on you, yes, it's inevitable to feel like you were made a fool of, but in Mabaso's situation, and every woman who finds herself in a similar situation, what one needs to deal with is the notion that their partner went on a journey of discovering their sexual orientation, and decided to drag them into it, which is unfair. That is the bee-sting that needs to be plucked, the fact that you were cast for a role you did not audition for."

Nonyane recommended seeing a therapist to help one deal with all of it as it can be too muddy for one to go it alone.

*Not their real names

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