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Mr Right as much of a dream as Santa?

ON THE LOOKOUT: Some people consider unmarried women incomplete photo: thinkstock
ON THE LOOKOUT: Some people consider unmarried women incomplete photo: thinkstock

"IF SOMEONE proposed to me on Christmas Day and the ring was my present, I'd be so pissed. I mean, I'd say yes because I'm old, but I'd be livid."

That was a tweet sent out two Christmases ago that made me guffaw in appreciation of this woman's honesty and humour.

But 'tis the season to be lonely for many single women - especially with Hollywood having long ago decided for us that Christmas and romance go together.

Yet it's not just the romance-themed holiday movies that emphasise the desirability of finding happily-ever-after at this time, it is also the relatives you haven't seen since last Christmas.

"You still don't have a man?" Auntie Doris will ask in shock and dismay after you respond in the negative to her thinly veiled effort at fishing around for juice.

You'll reassure her that you're fine, really, and you're just so consumed with work there isn't time for romance.

And besides, you believe Mr Right will enter your life at the right time, a statement to which Aunt Do will roll her eyes and say: "If you still believe in Mr Right at 30, you might as well still believe in Father Christmas," as she turns away from you to focus on things more worthy of her attention, such as the custard for trifle developing lumps on the stove.

I know of a church back home in KwaZulu-Natal where people bring water in 5-litre bottles. The holy men at the church pray for the water and it becomes anointed.

The water can be sprinkled around your home or in your car to chase away bad spirits. You can also sprinkle it at work for good luck, or you can use it for washing yourself so you become holy and blessed and, among other things, attract The One.

My brother once, seeing some women coming from that church carrying bottles, said: "Cha abantubesifazane bayawuthanda umshado, bawufuna nangezigubhu [Women really love marriage, they even seek it with 5-litre bottles]!"

That may be the case, in some instances, but socialisation has a lot to do with how the girl child grows up believing that marriage is critical to being a woman.

For instance, let's talk about the toys that will be bought for the girls this Christmas: baby dolls with cute little diaper and feeding bottle sets, doll houses, miniature tea party sets and other toys that emphasise an idea of being prepared or groomed for being a wife or mom.

I can't think of any toys that boys play with that prepare them for marriage. They will likely get toy guns, play stations, remote-controlled cars or aeroplanes or whatever else is deemed masculine and good for little men to play with.

Even the words used when girls are being reprimanded are different from the ones boys receive.

"What kind of wife will you be?" you are asked as a daughter at the tender age of 12 when you fail to sweep the carpet properly or wash clothes with the necessary vigour.

"Uzos' hlaza emzini [you will put us to shame at the in-laws' home]" - as though it's a given that when you move out of your parents' home, the next logical step will be to move into a husband's home.

Can you imagine a parent saying to a little boy: "What kind of husband will you be?"

And if the girl does not present great culinary ability or enthusiasm: "No man wants to marry a woman who doesn't know how to cook," will be the choice words for your chastisement.

In traditional set-ups where unmarried women - no matter how old - are still considered girls and treated thus, the desperation to be a woman (read: married) is even more emphasised.

A girl - even a 40-year-old one - "is a half-formed thing". A woman is whole because she has a man.

"Women in the old days appreciated their men," one elderly man once said, lamenting the newfangled ideas of independence young modern women seem to have.

"They would stand on a [metaphoric] hill and shout: 'Waze wangenza umuntu umyeni wami . wafihla ihlazo lami [my husband has made me a person and hidden my shame]'!"

I laughed. Until I realised he was being serious.

"Did men also do that?" I then asked.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for appreciation. And I'm all for marriage as long as people want it for the right reasons - and wanting someone to complete you is not one of them.

But I do believe that marriage can be a beautiful thing. As a wise man once said: "The beauty of marriage, or relationships in general, is that you get to multiply the joy in life and divide the pain when you meet the right one for you."

I also believe that it can be lonelier than being single for those going into it looking for completion.

"When you live with someone who doesn't make you happy, it's miserable. It's worse than being alone," one 90-something-year-old woman said in an interview with Esquire magazine, giving relationship advice.

I'd believe her. She had been married three times.

 

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