HAVING a domestic help can come in handy. After a tough day at work, it is refreshing to come home to a spotless house, kids bathed, and the smell of a home-cooked meal.

Things aren't always so rosy, though. Like any other relationship, squabbles and misunderstandings with your domestic helper can affect the dynamics of your relationship with your family.

We'll remember how formerGenerations actress Sonia Sedibe's dirty laundry, ironically, was hung out by her maid for all to see. According to Sunday Sun, the root of the problem was how Sedibe and her husband did not agree when it came to their employee.

Sedibe fired the domestic, and her husband allegedly told her to come back to work. When Sedibe reported an assault to the police after an altercation, her husband bailed the maid out, the reports said.

How do couples avoid such problems with their helpers to keep harmony in the house? Who does the helper report to, and how can couples avoid any drama?

I DON'T LET HER SPEAK TO MY HUSBAND

 NOMPENDULO Stander, a 31-year-old magazine production manager from Winchester Hills, Johannesburg, says she is specific about who her live-in helper reports to.

She says, "I employed her, so she takes orders from me. Most helpers tend to take advantage of the soft spot that men have towards the fairer sex, so I don't allow her to interact with my husband, unless he specifically asks for something.

"I've told her, if she has a problem, she must talk to me. If I'm not around, she must talk to my sister. If for some reason I'm not reachable, only then can she refer anything to my husband."

Stander also has specific rules to ensure her helper toes the line:

lThe lounge area is reserved for bonding time with the family. When we arrive home, she exits the lounge. She doesn't watch TV with us; and

lShe is not allowed to cook, sit on the front passenger seat or wear skimpy outfits. Never allow another woman to cook for your husband, Stander says.

She says that all these rules enforce respect and a mutual understanding between herself and her helper.

"At the end of the day, she's my employee, not my friend."

NEVER HIRE A YOUNG, PERKY MAID

THE age of your helper is very important, according to Marcia Ruselo, a 34-year-old mother from Centurion.

"I don't have many rules for my helper, in fact she can eat with us and I treat her like family. But I do have three rules:

lThe helper reports to me, not my husband;

lDon't hire a helper younger than you. Always make sure the helper is 45 years old and above; and

lMy helper must dress appropriately.

 These rules, Ruselo says, are meant to close the door to any possible shenanigans.

"At the end of the day, men are prone to straying. So bringing this young, attractive helper into your home is risky."

 On the contrary, Anna Nengudza, a 24-year-old customer services consultant from Randfontein, believes otherwise. Her number one rule is;

BEWARE OF AN OLDER MAID

NENGUDZA says she's had horrible experiences in the past, employing helpers who were older than her as they felt disgruntled at having a younger employer.

"I'm not saying I have it all, but older maids have a tendency of being jealous of me and what I have - a husband, a house, a car and a career. My last maid was 30 years old and was very patronising."

Nengudza's current helper is 21 years old.

"You cannot stop a man from cheating.

"If he wants to do it, he will, so I refuse to live my life with a chip on my shoulder, jealous, always watching my back, worried about the maid taking my man," she says.

Do's and don'ts of how to treat your maid

THERAPIST Busi Mthali explains what is acceptable treatment of your live-in helper, and what is out of line.

"Firstly, this is a discussion that relates to people, therefore human rights play a huge role - no matter the classification or definition of the job," Mthali cautions.

"Secondly, I take the role of a maid/helper as an employee. In other words, the same work ethics I've instilled in my job should apply for my maid.  For instance, what happens when an employee is caught stealing at work?  Necessary actions take place, whether legal or instant dismissal.  Therefore,  clear work duties and responsibilities must be defined."

Thirdly, says Mthali, the communication between wife and husband must take place from the word go, before the helper starts work. A clear point of management needs to come from one partner.  This way there will be no room for misunderstanding.

She says a helper cannot infiltrate any issues in the relationship unless there are already huge underlying problems. Your helper must also know what you tolerate and what you don't, she adds. "If they do something you do not appreciate,  let them know. This does not need to turn into a screaming match."

In resolving conflict, Mthali says it's vital to make it easy for your helper to trust you enough to come to you with anything that is unsettling for her as this shows loyalty and she will take care of your home as if it were hers.

DO'S

• Communicate with her, listen to her.
• Be fair to her.
• Respect her, she's human.
• Teach her how you would like things done. 
• Tell her your rules and make them clear.
• Be sensible and fair with working hours. For example, pay for the extra time put in for that family function.
• Put together references,  next-of-kin details and a copy of her ID.
• Allow you and your family to have quality time,  she deserves the same too.

DON'TS

• Do not sweep unacceptable behaviour under the carpet.  Give warnings and explain why.
• Do not discuss personal details with your helper; it's like gossiping at work.
• Be careful about who she may bring to your home.
• Do not oppress, subject or judge.

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