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Sex at 14, my son is gay, cheaters, old-age sex...

Sexologist Dr Eve shares her significant sexual health stories of 2012

"As the year ends", Dr Eve writes, "I am drawn to reflection. As happens  with most people, outstanding events come to  my mind. In my work, there are many unusual, funny, extremely painful conundrums that present themselves. I share with you my Top 5:

1. Husband's 21 extra-marital affairs

A woman brought her husband into couple therapy as she had recently discovered an affair. His 21st affair in almost 25 years of marriage. She knew there were others. One lasted 8 + years and he moved her into a house round the corner from their family home. This was a God-fearing white Christian couple. He proved irascible, defensive and unwilling to participate in therapy. She was teary, a victim and a door mat. They came for therapy as she was not that interested in being sexual with him.  After their first therapy session they went away for the weekend and by their next session, they were back in love, having spent the weekend making love. My conundrum? My withholding judgement. I judged the wife for allowing this and the man for taking advantage of a woman who had low self esteem and confidence. I soon realized I was part of their game: they adored the tragedy, make-up/break-up lifestyle. I elegantly let them go.

2. 14-year-old sex

A 14-year-old girl who was brought into my therapy room by her mother to dissuade her from having  sexual penetration with her boyfriend, 15 years old. The young girl was emotionally independent, had been sexually active with many other young men and now felt in love and ready for penetration. I threw all I could at her to change her mind. But she had it covered: on contraception, knew how to use condoms, felt secure with his love and commitment and did not expect the relationship to last forever. What she did not have were parents to guide her with sufficient healthy love. They had not placed boundaries around her. I invited the parents back into my therapy room - alone. I never saw them again.

3.  Cheating women

Ashley Madison launched in South Africa. I was openly opposed – we don’t need assistance having affairs. A few months later women began trickling into my therapy room sharing their “Ashley Madison” affairs. I was in a conundrum as I had publicly opposed this site but now at the cold face of it, saw how these women were benefitting from the experience of flirting, cheating in a safe set up. By benefitting I mean it sparked consciousness into their marriages, forced them to get unstuck from unhappy relationships and make changes that were long overdue. I still believe cheating hurts too badly.

4. My child is gay

I know I'm desensitized. I am aware that my levels of sexual and relationship tolerance are higher than most people’s due to my constant exposure to this side of people’s lives. Yet I was surprised to have  a number of parents, mostly moms on their own, come into therapy with enormous pain on discovering or suspecting that their child is gay. With deep respect I witnessed the pain, horror and shock learning that their child did not choose to be gay and cannot be “converted” back to being heterosexual. My conundrum is how to spread information through my networks in  a way that people understand and tolerate different sexual orientations without being patronizing.

5. Ageing sex

How to deal with healthcare providers who do not provide sexual health care is a major conundrum for me. A man and his wife, both in their 70′s, consulted me about his erectile failure. He had high blood pressure, high cholesterol and was medicated for these diseases. His erectile dysfunction was expected. Nothing  suggested by his doctors worked. They wanted to have sexual play and penetration. I referred them to a cardiologist for the required tests set out in clinical guidelines.  These tests would have picked up heart failure . The full tests were never done.  He died a year later of a heart attack. I respect the healthcare providers who do the work with open curiosity and awareness of its importance.

I realize I seldom laugh, have few funny stories to tell and I guess I'll go into 2013 as sober, somber and serious as always.

Feel free to tell me your funny stories. I could do with a laugh.

Dr Eve

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