Hip-hop DJ C-Live has spoken out for the first time about the trauma of losing his son Nadif in a house fire in 2015.
C-Live, real name Clive Tshabalala, poured his heart out to Sowetan yesterday ahead of the fourth anniversary tomorrow since he lost his 11-year-old first born. The 38-year-old musician said the lowest point for him was when he was overcome with guilt and experienced his first panic attack.
"It was a freak accident. I then began on a journey of re-evaluating my entire existence and the meaning of life.
"I was presented with multiple hurdles - I experienced anxiety and depression for the first time in my life," he said.
"I was so overcome with guilt. I don't know what death feels like, but it felt like they will be nothing else that would be OK. It takes over your entire physical being."
Although he sought help with a psychologist, he credits finding solace in his spirituality as the biggest thing that helped with his healing.
"It's an ongoing process. I'm not fully healed. It's a matter of management. Sometimes I do break down. There are times where I'm really low and he's on my mind all the time. But I've gotten back up.
"Right now I'm in such a good space mentally. I've found my purpose. I feel the need to connect with society on a more humanitarian level. As a musician there is that feeling that we could dig deeper."
Today he will release a song about trauma, grief, loss and healing dedicated to his son.
Titled Coco Dreams, the song was produced by Silasbeats and features vocalist T-Phoenix. The music video stars actor SK Khoza.
"I discovered that speaking about what happened brings a certain level of healing; it does so much for the next person that might be going through something themselves."
C-Live claws back after son's death trauma
Hip-hop DJ C-Live has spoken out for the first time about the trauma of losing his son Nadif in a house fire in 2015.
C-Live, real name Clive Tshabalala, poured his heart out to Sowetan yesterday ahead of the fourth anniversary tomorrow since he lost his 11-year-old first born. The 38-year-old musician said the lowest point for him was when he was overcome with guilt and experienced his first panic attack.
"It was a freak accident. I then began on a journey of re-evaluating my entire existence and the meaning of life.
"I was presented with multiple hurdles - I experienced anxiety and depression for the first time in my life," he said.
"I was so overcome with guilt. I don't know what death feels like, but it felt like they will be nothing else that would be OK. It takes over your entire physical being."
Although he sought help with a psychologist, he credits finding solace in his spirituality as the biggest thing that helped with his healing.
"It's an ongoing process. I'm not fully healed. It's a matter of management. Sometimes I do break down. There are times where I'm really low and he's on my mind all the time. But I've gotten back up.
"Right now I'm in such a good space mentally. I've found my purpose. I feel the need to connect with society on a more humanitarian level. As a musician there is that feeling that we could dig deeper."
Today he will release a song about trauma, grief, loss and healing dedicated to his son.
Titled Coco Dreams, the song was produced by Silasbeats and features vocalist T-Phoenix. The music video stars actor SK Khoza.
"I discovered that speaking about what happened brings a certain level of healing; it does so much for the next person that might be going through something themselves."