Correctional Services said that “matters are under control” at Johannesburg’s Sun City Prison on Wed.
My friend got engaged recently. She was so happy she threw herself an engagement party and the township's "Arabs"came out of the woodwork.
I'm sure there were more strangers than relatives in her mother's yard that Saturday afternoon. These days, people are not ashamed as long as they get a chance to fill up their bellies.
Of course, only one person brought a present even though there were about 200 people swarming her place hoping for free booze and cake.
Then a messenger came to deliver a message. "Oupa wishes to have a word with you?" His younger brother had threatened his arrival a few minutes before. "You don't wanna give me a job? Okay, Oupa is going to sort you out," he had warned. Some families have their share of jerks from start to finish.
Oupa had his own agenda. He wanted a "love back". This is a guy I dated for two days in Grade 11. We never exchanged phone numbers, ideas or even kissed.
Yet, he sat there with his "delegates" and kept warning every prospective suitors to stay away from me. Which helped a lot because most were no-hopers but he got to the point where he made me look like his wife.
"Why don't you take me for a spin in your car? Go start the car, wait for me there and let's get away from these people," he told me. The photographer would have taken our photo together if he wasn't so busy running around, instead of heeding being called "chicken legs" by some madams who were out on a men hunt.
Then my cousin's ex came to snatch me out of Oupa's claws. He had two questions for me. Where was my cousin and why wasn't I married yet.
If anyone ever asks me this question again! No, they need to make this question illegal. It should be made a criminal offence with a hefty fine.
How do you expect one to react to that kind of insensitivity? Why should I have married Oupa the loser?
"I'm not married because there's something wrong with me," I said.
He was not amused, even though anyone who asks that question already knows this answer.
My favourite people though are the ones who give you hope in a hopeless world. They say: "Don't worry, your knight in shinning armour will come galloping one of these days."
And my mother does not lose sleep over my spinsterhood. So why do strangers worry and ask me this stupid question then?
But I do have answers for all who still have no respect for personal privacy.
I am not married because I'm "everywoman". There's just too much of me for one man. I'm worth far too much to change my surname at this point in time.
Or maybe I'm not married because I frighten men with my loud voice and big hands.
Maybe I sleep like a horse and cook like a monkey.
Clearly I'm in a wrong country because most African-American women are far worse. They are loud, rude, big and even married.
My neighbour looks like she should be the husband and her husband her wife, but she has a huge rock to prove she's married.
I know looks have nothing to do with anything but wouldn't you wonder if you looked a bit like a woman but nobody asks for your hand in marriage?
It's not as if it's always been like this. At 15, a guy did speak to my uncle about sending delegates to bring "something small". I had only seen him twice without exchanging a single word.
Then a first-year student wanted to give up his studies to marry me when I wanted to study journalism. Then a married man, who thought I wouldn't find out, also spoke of marriage and such.
The father of my child thought we would watch sunsets together and live happily ever after.
If only he could raise the money for the ring. But the crème de la crème proposal came from a man who was on his deathbed. When I turned him down, he was furious.
So there, there is something wrong with me. Otherwise, I would have attracted a good man who isn't concerned about my sleeping habits, slave-driving nature or loud family.
Honestly, my patience has left me. Maybe women like me should take wives like the rain queen.
So after listening with disdain, my cousin's ex told me he could never marry someone like me. Why? Because I don't look like I need a husband. Now that's rich and bitter. "Do I really look like I don't need a husband?" I asked my cousin's ex and he tried to deny it. In the end he agreed.
And all these years I and the rest of South Africa thought there was something wrong with me. It's not me, it's them.
Society just never prepared them for a strong woman who has everything going for her.