Okay, I'm not going to be the most famous girl with my cry-baby peers after this. Surely, you didn't think I was going to spend my entire life bitching and moaning, did you? Yes, you might as well say with me: "At last . !" And to think this is the work of a child. Kuki Winfrey, otherwise known as my younger sister, has been preaching it to me since time immemorial.

Okay, I'm not going to be the most famous girl with my cry-baby peers after this. Surely, you didn't think I was going to spend my entire life bitching and moaning, did you? Yes, you might as well say with me: "At last . !" And to think this is the work of a child. Kuki Winfrey, otherwise known as my younger sister, has been preaching it to me since time immemorial.

I wasn't listening because, like many people sent by life to a lower moral ground, I couldn't picture a normal life anymore. More than that, I hated trying another American psycho "self-help" hogwash. I still do.

But at some point in life, we need to let other people take the reigns. Younger siblings' innocence usually give a fresh perspective. It's this uncorrupted mind frame that makes my jaded self befriend younger people.

The Secret (a book) says to make a list of your heart's desires, ponder them and be steadfast . and in the end it's all yours. She lectured me while I looked on with a smirk on my face. She thinks she's so together, that one. But since I didn't really have her kind of time, I couldn't even finish watching the DVD. It runs for just over 30 minutes. I had the book for over a year.

Just to murder my faith, a friend who had been singing the same gospel, lost her beloved helper in a car accident.

He was driving. His new car broke down in a place called Koppies, where they charge diamonds and pearls for towing and storage. While he was pulling his dreads out in frustration, his lover was arrested for "common assault". I don't know what could be so common about assault. But he did punch a punk mugger in the mouth - they call it self-defence in other countries. Yet, this guy was telling me to keep my eye on the list of my objects of fascination and be unwavering. That's what I call faith like potatoes.

I figured, since I'd spent my life trying out new things, I might as well do the last bit of the book which says to even cut out pictures of what I want and paste them on a chart.

It made my bedroom look like a loony teen's bedroom. And since most of my friends just waltz into my room without knocking, most have seen my chart of insanity. My ex saw a photo of a man carrying a suitcase full of money and realised that it was not him. After weeks of watching his rival, he asked if the bag was to or from the bank?

One looked at a picture of a bright smile and had the chutzpah to ask: "Geez, how bright do you still want your teeth to be?" First of all, that was a personal thing and secondly it was laughter, not a bright smile that the picture represented.

And for a long time, things didn't seem to get off the ground. Instead people kept dying on me. My mentor, my best friend and my neighbour's landscaper, who had promised to do my garden for free, also died. Just as I was thinking that maybe this goalkeeping thing was a big hoax, out came a man carrying a suitcase full of what I was sure was money.

He approached me, sat me down for lunch and said I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He didn't know it was all thanks to a bucket of foundation, a scoop of blush, a litre of gloss and tons of mascara.

"You're so pretty I could eat you up ." he first said.

Him: "I could pay you just to be my trophy girlfriend."

Me: "Really, in rands or Zim dollars?"

Him: "Rands."

Me: "How much would you pay me?"

Him: "How about R5000 per month?"

Me: (Silently) "Oh my gosh, this is the Lotto I've been praying for without playing AmaNjiyela andijongile . but wait a damn minute, who in their damn right minds would do something that stupid. Money is too tight these days. I'm being played here."

Him: "So?"

Me: "I'll tell you what. I'll take the offer and still do it with all the perks, the appearances, the phone calls, the whole shebang. And for half the price?"

Him: "You are joking!"

Me: (leaving) "You started the joke."

Needless to say, that was the last. Do I look like a street worker?

My Secret chart has been on my wall for over a year. I'm laughing a lot. My child's dad came bearing a medical aid card . I manage to tell my family I don't work for De Beers. I faced my cooking challenge and am now cooking up a storm and people are eating my food like it's a three-course mana.

Oprah has not reviewed my book. My garden is flourishing on its own. And my love life, well I get bitten a lot. He says my skin is buttery. Now I can't live like this. So I won't bitch and moan. I need to replace him. But he doesn't. It's the big Secret.

Now let's get a photo of someone with a six pack and a beautiful mind.