My oblivious fingers move to a slow stuttering command from my disturbed thoughts. I follow a glimmer that says to trust they unleash an arrested conscience for a moment or two. From either you or me.
Though I grieve in silence with hope flown out of reach, my faith is entwined with fate, still. Stupid.
You punched me to the gutter with your delayed confession. No, you really sent me flying. Left me wondering what love is. Maybe in the next life, you made the half promise.
Today heralds tomorrow. Today is an eve to the future. Foolish me, left to twiddle my thumbs and get all melancholic. I think I'll pour myself some whiskey and be an alcoholic which will give me a phuza face and lessen my chances of meeting The One.
Now I'm surrounded by nothingness and ruled by a bleeding heart. I fear being in this place because it's a coven. And since the world is dripping with blood, many disturbed heads congregate thoughts of emptiness for a conference of mayhem.
But I'm a better soul. I chose to love 10-fold better than before. The Dalai Lama teaches us so.
And still to love is a folly, a weakness for which we pay dearly and move forward with a tremble in our tone, suspicion in our gaze and a limp in our walk.
To deny love doesn't go unpunished and that's why we soon dust ourselves off, stand bruised, move forward and mar the world with our invisible scars. Poisoned tongues some choose. Eternal optimism others choose. Who is more dangerous here?
I shall go through life with you dancing in my eyes and whispering in my head for your laughter is so distant now, a far cry from your old breath and urgent confessions.
You said I was your inspiration. But that was yesterday. Today is today and tomorrow holds no promises.
We could very well cross paths like ships in the night. All I know for now is I shall remember our charade with an aching smile and sweet tears. The irony of things love comes bearing!
How the pulse of your marching heart in the still of the night has left me fighting for breadth and depth. How the flutter of my fingers against your warm skin has left you in shudder. I thought love would come softly. I was so wrong.
Go and meet others for it's only when we weigh the magnitude of truth against lies and deception that we grow wiser. To deny you that right would be criminal.
I wish I could make you love me now, but everyone knows the kick of a heart made to feel what it won't.
So I will commence with my search for new beginnings, a pointless journey, if you ask me.
For all I know the next man will be perfect and I might not see it. The Lord above will not hear my bargaining attempts. I tell him I can't and He whispers that I can.
Many a night have I murmured a tear-drenched prayer to wipe you off my mind and heart.
I said: "Heavenly father, please help me to set him free. If we are not meant to be, grant me the courage to wish him well and move forward."
So far I have accomplished nothing. All I keep seeing is you and I in a rhythmic element; a reflection of our silhouettes on the wall, your firm grasp of my hand, searching lips and your warm breath against my neck and a lusty kiss on my lips.
But this morning, it's as if someone is tapping with impatience. "Is this going to be long?" I almost hear my guardian angel ask.
The Lord sends me off with my soul in shreds. I stand up and stumble from the intoxication of the Queen's tears. But He will not send me to Niniva without a guide, I conclude.
F***, I'm so weary of this. At this point my television is on and the man of the cloth says to rise and roar with praise for this atonement.
It ushers in a new chapter. New this, new that. I can't wait. When did everyone become a love guru? I breathe in and out with my teeth still clenched. Amazing. But eventually, against a wisp of air on my face, with all my might I put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time I'm on my way.
No use living in the past. He has seen me thus far and has never forsaken me.
And so I bow out of your life. You've been a great audience. So long my friend, my inspiration, my brother, my comrade, my love.