Ho! Ho! Ho!
Next Thursday is Christmas Day.
And one feels like Father Christmas, ready to dish out brickbats and bouquets.
But, because of budget constraints, not everyone will be catered for.
You know, mos, there will always be favourites.
For Mamelodi Sundowns boss Patrice Motsepe we are going to convince four top coaches in the world, Sir Alex Ferguson, Felipe Scolari, Carlos Alberto Parreira and Arsene Wenger to join Bafana ba Style. They need them on their technical staff so the team can conquer Africa as per his dream.
We all know money is no problem here.
For defender Mbulelo Mabizela, a new nickname, "Ngwana wa Tagwa", a bottle of Jack Daniels and a case of his favourite Ijuba, which we are told he uses as a dash for the whiskey.
For Trott Moloto, Simon Ngomane and Harris Choeu, a pleasant retirement and gardening chores at Chloorkop while "learning" the basics of coaching from Henri Michel and his Moroccan assistant.
Moloto is also to get a private jet for use in his scouting missions across Africa. Wonder if he will have enough time to attend the coaching classes? He may be fired for bunking classes.
Orlando Pirates are set to benefit from the services of a brand-new inyanga whose special tokoloshe will help guide the ball into the net instead of hitting the woodwork as if that's the target in a game.
Ditto Jomo Cosmos.
We all know that lady luck plays a role in football, but that should not be an excuse for strikers shooting blanks and blaming the gods and ancestors for their inability to score goals.
Bay United to stop being umlilo wa maphepha (fire made from paper material) that flatters only to deceive and is easily doused by the rain. Beating Pirates and Sundowns and drawing with Kaizer Chiefs is not what the Premiership is all about. The others count too.
The 2010 Fifa World Cup LOC will be sent enough bottles of Super Glue so that the staff can stick around much longer than they are currently doing.
To the South African Football Association and the Premier Soccer League, the wisdom of Solomon to realise the fact that Jomo Sono is an integral part of local and world football and needs to be recognised as such here at home and not only by Fifa, in whose committees he serves.
For Kaizer Chiefs a smarter media liaison officer who will be able to have better judgment and know how to deal with the media's attendance at their open days.
For Butana Komphela we will find something that he can complain about in some sport or the other now that a compromise has been reached about the Springbok emblem. One suggestion is the Safa emblem on the Bafana Bafana jersey, which should swop places with the King Protea.
We will also get the honourable Dr Irvin Khoza to organise some English language courses for Bafana Bafana coach Joel Santana at a reputable Mozambican learning institute before the Confederations Cup next year.
Dr Molefi Oliphant will be granted a bursary by the Safa Education Trust to further his studies after he stands down as the association's president next year so that he is not distracted by unpaid school fees.
David Thidiela and Black Leopards are to receive a bucket of patience to enable them to give coaches time and freedom to work on and with the players if they, too, dream of returning to the elite league.
To referee Abdul Ebrahim and fourth official Yusuf Vawda we present giant 3D spectacles to help easily identify offenders and lessen cases of mistaken identity where wrong players are penalised.
As for the rest of you, dear sports lovers, we wish you a very merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year.