Nelson Mandela and I - believe it or not - star in one movie that South African critics are inexplicably ignoring.
In fact, Madiba is no more than an extra, and I feature much more prominently than he does. Oh, that feels so good - just writing those words. It is such fun to be vainglorious.
Anyway, the movie in question is a documentary, The Urban Predator, shot in 2000 about the infamous serial killer, Moses Sithole. For the record, Sithole killed and raped 38 women, in the process catapulting himself to infamy as one of the worst serial killers of all time globally.
I feature as a newsman who almost handed Sithole over to the cops - at his own request. Madiba was filmed visiting some of the bereaved families.
I was watching the chilling documentary the other day, and what prompts me to write about it - aside from gloating about my putting the Great Madiba second for once - is what the policeman who shot and arrested Sithole says in the documentary.
In case you have never seen the doccie, Sithole was lured into a trap at a factory in Ekurhuleni, where he was expected to go and fetch a gun from his brother-in-law. The cop, disguised as a security guard, met him at the gate with the aim of luring him into the firm so he could effect the arrest.
Sithole smelt a rat as soon as he arrived and took to his heels with the cop chasing and shooting him three times.
Now this is what I find laughable about the cop's version on the documentary. He says he read Sithole his rights . something like "I am a policeman. I am arresting you for ." the audio cuts out here, but in essence he means he told him he had the right to keep quiet and whatever he said could be used against him in a court of law.
Now, we all know the police never act like that. That little recitation we only see in the movies. And, I am not complaining, depends on the seriousness of the crime of course.
A cop friend of mine once lamented the fact that with our new dispensation, criminals are having the last laugh because the police are scared to touch them, lest they lose their jobs.
"We used to bliksem [beat] the truth out of them. But these days, you are supposed to say to them: 'Please ntate, tell the truth. I beg you.' No crook is going to take you seriously."
Sure they don't beat the hell out of them, but it is being rather naive to think they recite suspects their rights.
In real life, the police tell you they'll show you your mother and blow your f***ing head off, so get the hell into the van and stop talking shit.
I have seen some fair, polite and reasonable cops.
My favourite scenario - and pardon me for repeating it - is of a lowly ranked white constable ordering a black sergeant: "Maduna, se hom in sy eie taal hy gaan kak."
Maduna to the suspect: "Morena a re o tlo ny**la." - The master says you are going to do your ablutions.