Mon Sep 25 20:57:15 SAST 2017
Homeless and in a wheelchair at 63

Zolile Ncapayi is 63 and unable to walk. He progressively lost the use of his legs over 30 years ago.

'He is no good for my best friend'

By Dear Dudu | 2012-11-09 06:44:30.0

"He dropped out of university, but still hangs around as if he is a student . He is dishonest, manipulative and he sponges off her"

MY BEST friend and I have known each other for many years.

Our mothers are also close friends. We are both 23 years old and we have done everything together. We went to school together and we are both at university now.

My friend has been in a relationship for just over a year. He has been nothing but trouble.

He dropped out of university, but still hangs around as if he is a student . He is dishonest, manipulative and he sponges off her.

I haven't told her how I feel about him, but he certainly knows and if he knows that I am with her he makes sure that he isn't.I am sure he is uncomfortable with me because he knows I see him for what he is.

The problem is that my friend loves him though they have a very rocky relationship.

When things are going well and she is seeing him, everything is wonderful. She is happy and doesn't really need me.

But when he doesn't turn up when he has promised to, or they fight, which is often, she needs me.

I am getting tired of it all, but I feel I have to be there for her because she has always been there for me.

Of course, when he needs money he treats her wonderfully. Surely she cannot be so stupid?

I just get so angry and tired of the same thing over and over. When is she going to wake up and realise what he is truly like? I feel like shaking her and telling her exactly what I think of him, but I know that would hurt her and might destroy our friendship.

She is beautiful and talented and she can get a man who is so much better than this one.

What should I do? - Such a waste, Benoni


I can understand that this must be so frustrating for you.

Unfortunately you cannot tell her what to do , but you can be there for her when things go wrong.

I am sure this is what she would do for you if you were caught up in similar circumstances.

When she confides in you or is upset, just say to her: "This is what happened last time when he did not keep a promise or did not arrive and so on".

She might start to realise how repetitive his behaviour is.

She might not want to hear this, but it could just help her to start realising that this is a common conversation.

If she interrupts your life by phoning you late at night, or expects you to cancel your plans to be with her, then you need to set boundaries.

Tell her that you cannot talk or see her immediately, but that you will meet her later or when it suits you.

You also have a life and it cannot be put on hold to accommodate the ups and downs of her relationship and she must be considerate of you as well.

Just try never to react because of jealousy, or to let your dislike of him get in the way of your friendship.

If she asks for your opinion of him or his behaviour, choose your words wisely. You don't want her to hold your bad impression of him against you when things are going well between them.

It certainly is a difficult situation for you, but if you stop letting their behaviour intrude on your life, you might have more patience with her.

You have been best friends for so long and it is so important that you nurture this relationship in spite of the bad times.