Living in unwed bliss
SHACKING up has been on the rise in the past few decades. The phenomenon has been spurred by the sexual revolution and buoyed by the recent economic downturn and marital trends, say trend observers.
Even local soapies are running storylines about unmarried couples living happily together
This phenomenon has impacted on many aspects of family life and personal relationships as a whole.
Gay couples, students and even mature couples are increasingly cohabiting.
According to Asiphe Ndlela, a psychologist in Johannesburg, the trend is made more acceptable by celebs who make shacking up look trendy.
"Cohabitation is now more widely accepted than getting divorced or having a child out of wedlock. Oprah and Brangelina are just some high-profile celebrities who cohabit."
Local celebrities Unathi Nkayi and Bad Boy T, and Zwai Bala and Melanie Bala lived together for a long time before they got married. They even had some cute babies before their weddings.
Jub Jub and Kelly Khumalo, Prosper Mkwaiwa and Tina Dlangwana are yet to walk down the aisle. Bonang Matheba and Sliquor, Thembi Seete and Tsepho Mabona, Paul Viv and Pam Andrews shacked up, but they later split.
Ndlela says the media has also played a big role in making shacking up look glamourous with stories of couples living together and featuring single, pregnant celebs on covers of magazines.
"The stigma about cohabitation is changing. The media is making shacking up more acceptable. Young people see their idols living together and the women getting pregnant without serious commitment and they think it's cool. Even local soapies are running storylines about unmarried couples living happily together," Ndlela says.
She says reasons for cohabitation include unions without commitment, replacements for marriage and trial marriages.
All indications are that cohabitation will be a permanent feature in our society and the basis for a new form of family union.
This takes us to financial rules for shacking up.
- Have the relationship talk before you move in
Is this the first step toward marriage or a way to save rent? Either answer is fine as long as the two of you are on the same page.
"Sometimes people move in with assumptions about how the other person feels, then they're surprised when they talk about it," says Marshall Miller, a co-founder of the Alternatives to Marriage Project in New York and co-author of Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple.
- Decide who pays for what
If you both make roughly the same amount of money this part is pretty easy. Figure out how you want to live, then split the joint expenses down the middle. The simplest way to do this is to set up a joint bank account, have a portion of your salaries automatically transferred from your personal accounts into the joint account each month, then pay all joint expenses from that account. Get a joint credit card for groceries, dinners out, and so on and then pay the credit card from the joint account at the end of the month.
- Decide how you'll do the chores
Research has shown that couples who live together tend to divide chores in a more egalitarian, less gender-based way than do married couples. Chore load should be based on the amount of free, nonworking time each partner has. Set up a plan to deal with the inevitable chore slacking. If you can afford it, outsource the nasty chores . It frees up more time to enjoy each other and prevents arguments. A cleaning lady is a lot cheaper than couples counselling.
- Develop a break-up plan in advance
It's much easier to do this when you're in love than when you want to kill each other. Sit down in front of a computer, write down who is bringing what into the communal home, create a dissolution plan for jointly purchased items and identify which of you will move out if you break up.
If one partner has more assets the other should explicitly state that he or she asserts no rights to the wealthier partner's assets and has no intention of living in the same location or maintaining the couple's existing lifestyle in the event of a split. You can have the agreement notarised.
It is much better having ground rules from the outset than making them up as you go along and inevitably paying for it later , whether with cash, compact discs or your sanity.
- Additional info www.msn.co.za
SWEETY
I dont believe in cohabiting I think it so wrong, if people love each other why not get married?Report Abuse
Catty88
@Sweety i agree 150%.Its just greedy man and stupid woman.If he expect me to cook,wash his clothes and make a home for him he must have the decency to go to my parents and ask for my hand.I also think these woman who agree to this are undermining their parents and i think its an insult to any parent.Now he is going to see another woman and while you busy making a home she moves in and you out.I am better of alone.Report Abuse
SnowBlack
I enjoy my space so much... I don't see my self doing this.... I would rather visit now and then ... I just hope I will cope if and when i get married...Report Abuse
Catty88
@Snowblack its not nice being alone sometimes like yesterday i was sick as a dog all bymyself but i would never disrespect my parents and go vat and sit.Never!Report Abuse
CapitalO
I have seen what marriage has done to people, some get married for the wrong reasons and some stay because they fear bein alone, my honest opinion is I would not mind, not that I'm disrespecting my family but I'd rather live with someone and learn more about them before decidin to get married. I live alone and yet I spend most of my time with him at my place or his.. should we rather not be payin for one apartment??Report Abuse
hlakolr
We dont have cohibiting=vat n set unfortunately we don hav such in my culture, u either single,married or widowIf im there 24/7 what will make him long for my presence in his life .
Report Abuse
Joseng
VAAT N SIT IS NEI REG, PAY FOR WAHT YOU EAT, NOTHING FOR MAHALA, YOU DI-RESPECTING THE PARENTS, FINISH N KLAARReport Abuse